Episode 006: Confidence is a Learned Skill

Do you find yourself longing for the confidence that someone else portrays? I’m here to tell you that confidence is a learned skill and you can master it with time. In today’s episode, I’m sharing a few ways you can start to build the skill of confidence and love yourself today.

This episode is brought to you by Someplace for Every Body – The Conference, a three-day, three-night event will be filled with diverse speakers, engaging activities, and a multitude of vendors all coming together to empower womxn from around the country. Join us October 6-9, 2022 by grabbing your tickets today!

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Review the Show Notes:

I Get Asked This Question All the Time (:27)

Self Confidence (2:12)

• It comes from you
• You have to work at it every single day

How to Learn Confidence: (4:46)

• Don’t Put Things On Your Body that Make You Feel Uncomfortable (4:46)
• Are you speaking to yourself positively or are you playing the comparison game? (12:05)

Become Neutral, Like Yourself, then Love Yourself (19:16)

Join Us a Someplace for Every Body – The Conference!

Let’s Connect:

instagram.com/someplaceimages

instagram.com/carlysomeplace

Review the Transcript:

Welcome to some place for everybody where we talk about belonging and being a human in our bodies and living in and learning to love our bodies. I’m your host, Carly someplace. This podcast is brought to you by someplace Images, boudoir for everybody, you can see the full show notes at some place for everybody.com. Now, let’s change some self perspectives.

Hey, y’all. Today we’re going to talk about one of my favorite subjects on the face of the planet. And it is, as I’m actually sure you’ve heard, if you’ve listened to a few other episodes, one of the questions that I get asked all the time, we’re going to talk about confidence today. And we’re going to talk about self confidence today. So my most frequently asked question of will just say life lately, because not always, honestly, not always. One of my most frequently asked questions is people ask me, How do I get your confidence? And my reply is generally a little bit snarky, because I’m, I don’t want to say tired of being asked the question because I recognize where it comes from. I recognize that this question comes from a desire in others to be confident, to want to be confident, to want to feel like they’re confident. So my slightly snarky answer is, you don’t need my competence. You need your own. And I think that everybody knows that. I think that you realize you can’t, you know, just borrow confidence from somebody and just return it like you would a cute sweater. And it’s just so interesting, that people constantly make the comment that they wish they had my confidence. And again, I understand where it comes from. I really do. But I’m here to tell you that confidence is a learned skill. And I say that, because I think it’s true. I know it’s true. So let’s talk about self confidence. Let’s talk about wanting to borrow people self confidence, wanting to be confident like other people, it doesn’t seem like it should be easy. But it is a whole, but it’s also so freaking hard. Like, it’s as easy as it comes from you. And it is as hard as you have to work at it every single freaking day, every single day. I definitely was not always the confident person that I am. And I remember that sounds absolutely ridiculous. When I say it out loud. I remember the first time I posted a half naked photo on the internet. If you followed me for any amount of time, you’re like, okay, and if you don’t follow me, that probably sounds a little bit shocking. However, when I first started shooting boudoir, it was easiest to use myself to advertise.

And it was easiest to put myself out there. Because at that point, I was like, Well, nobody’s gonna be able to hurt my feelings, because I don’t know what I’m really doing. And we’re just kind of figuring things out. So I just did it. And by half naked, I mean, I was wearing a lace dress that was see through ish. I do also remember the first time I posted a fully naked photo, which is a whole other thing. But those two had to come in and out with one another. It couldn’t have done the second one without the first one. Everything. Everything is baby steps. It’s pushing your boundaries by yourself every single day. But it is also being with people who make you feel confident and build you up and want you to push your own boundaries. And they’re going to push them just a little bit for you. But you have to take the step past that comfort zone. So you’ve heard me tease you about that big sleepover that we’re planning for the women of the someplace for everybody conference, right? It’s hopping someplace for everybody conferences happening in Miami, Florida, October 6 through ninth in 2020. To grab your ticket today at some place for everybody.com to connect with a supportive community focused on personal healing and self love and hear from astonishing lineup of speakers. We can’t wait to see you at this women only conference. So don’t forget to grab your ticket and learn more about the conference at someplace for everybody.com.

When I get asked this question of you know, where do you get your confidence and how are you so confident and can I have some of your confidence? When I tell people that confidence is a learned skill. They asked me the first thing they should do and this is always and has always been my number one piece of advice. Don’t put things on your body that make you feel uncomfortable. And this comes down to Magda, and I discussed this a little bit in our episode, it comes down to putting things on your body that make you feel good about your body that fit you well, and that are comfortable for you. And that doesn’t have to be what other people want it to be. Maybe this is a little bit TMI, but, you know, we’re just Baring All of our souls here anyways, so I might as well, I stopped wearing a bra. In early 2020, oh, like, I’m assuming many other people who wear bras. So I’m going to throw it out there, that when I started wearing a bra, again, sometimes occasionally, it was the most uncomfortable thing on the face of the planet. And I couldn’t decide if it was the bra that was uncomfortable, or if it was uncomfortable, because I just hadn’t worn one. And I had grown so used to that uncomfortableness in my daily life, because it’s what society expected of me. They expected me to wear a bra. So I did for years. I’ve always hated straps. So I’ve almost always worn a strapless bra, which I feel like is not a normal thing. Because I can’t stand the straps, they just drive me insane. So when I got brand new, strapless bras, I put them on and I was like,

This is terrible. And I was like, it can’t be the bra. people rave about these bras. People love these bras, they say they’re so great. They’re so nice. They’re so comfortable. Maybe it’s me. But maybe it’s society. What is that, telling us that we have to wear these things that are uncomfortable. Because why? Because why? So I know that’s a side note and a tangent. And again, maybe TMI for some people, but whatever. I don’t put things on my body. That makes me pick up my clothes, or that make me pull up my clothes that make me pull them up. Again, I don’t like straps on my bra because they fall off my shoulders. And I have to adjust them constantly. So I don’t wear them. And it sounds so simple, because it is so simple. Do you have just old, let’s start with underwear. The first thing you put on your body every single day to have pairs that dig into you and are uncomfortable or are falling apart and stabbing you because the little strings are sticking out or they have an uncomfortable tag, get rid of them. Goodbye, throw them out. And I understand that money is a factor here. I’m not gonna say that it’s not. And I understand that I’m in a great place where I can be able to, you know, buy new things for myself great. Yay, me. However, if you don’t have that, it’s okay to just find the things that are the most comfortable for you and wear them save a little and be able to get something new. And it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, it can literally be the most comfortable underwear. That makes a lot more things bearable. It also makes you feel sassy shit, when you’re wearing cute stuff underneath what you got on, and I don’t care what gender you are, if you’re wearing cute underwear, you feel cute. You feel cute? You totally feel cute. So that being said, it’s so important, what you put on your body.

And what you put on your body is going to change how you feel about your body. Again, I don’t wear things that I have to pull at, or that I need to adjust constantly. I don’t wear things that make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Even if it’s a tag, even if it’s, you know, a sleeve that just feels weird or pinches just a little bit in the wrong way. I don’t wear those things. Because when I do constantly feel like I’m pulling out my clothes, or I’m having to hike my leggings up or adjust my bra straps. It makes me feel self conscious. And we’re trying to do the opposite and feel confident. So don’t want to be all like Marie Kondo. It’d be like, does this spark joy, but does it bring you comfort? Are you comfortable? Are you comfortable in what you’re putting on your body, and this goes for everything. Not just underwear, not just bras but those are the base layer. Those are the layer that you’re really really needing to be comfortable to make you feel confident to have as the thing closest to your skin constantly. From their pants, dresses, skirts, tops, jackets, anything. I don’t wear things that make me feel uncomfortable. I have cleaned my closet so many times. For things that no longer fit. No longer serve a purpose. If I wear something One day, and all I do is pull out it, I’m going to come home and it’s going to go in a pile to be donated. Because I don’t want to pull at my body every single day, I want my body to exist. I want my body to be as it is. And for it to be the vessel that’s moving me through the world, I don’t want to be thinking about my body 24/7. And when you’re wearing something that makes you uncomfortable, all you can feel and think about is that uncomfortableness and it comes across in your confidence. It’s so simple, right? It’s so easy to change your clothes, to feel confident.

But tell me have you worn an outfit that makes you feel so baller Have you put something on your body that just makes you feel amazing. Those are the type of things that you want to be wearing. Those are the type of things that change your confidence. Those are the types of things that change the way you hold your head, the way you hold, you hold your shoulders, the way that you’re moving through the world, and adjusting yourself. Knowing that when people look at you, you like what they’re seeing. And they’re probably going to like what they’re seeing too. And this has nothing to do with style. This has nothing to do with fashion. Mis has absolutely nothing to do with looks. It has to do with the way that you carry yourself when you are wearing something that feels like a million freakin dollars. And that could be so many different things. I love me a good crop top and leggings love me a good crop top and leggings. It makes me feel confident. It’s what I shoot all of my sessions. And it makes me feel powerful. Because it hugs my curves because it shows off my tattoos, because I love wearing cropped up because I can. And I want everybody to strive to find the thing that makes you feel confident. And that that be the thing that you put on your body at the beginning of the day. And that that be the thing that you put on your body to feel confident and I want those to be your regular clothes, I want your regular clothes to make you feel confident. I really do. The second piece of advice that I give when talking about confidence beyond underwear and cleaning your closet, it’s a little bit harder to wrap your head around because it is in your head. And that would be are you speaking to yourself positively? Or are you playing the comparison game? With your body? And someone else’s? It doesn’t matter who else is? Are you doing things for your body? And saying things to your body in a kind manner? Or are those things coming from fear? Are they coming from a place of anxiety? Are they coming from a place of anger towards your body? Does the voice inside your head compliment you? Because it should, because that’s your voice? I challenge you to only speak to your body like you would speak to a friend. It’s totally okay to say oh, maybe I shouldn’t wear that. Or it’s totally okay to say if you need a day off, it’s okay to think about how you speak to your closest friends. And think about how you speak to yourself.

Are they the same? I mean, they go out on a limb and guess that they’re not.

Because we’ve all been there. I still say things to myself inside my head that I would never say to anybody else. I still nitpick myself. I still do those things. Yet people told me I’m the most confident person they’ve ever met. It doesn’t go away. And I’m not saying that it should. Because it’s a little. It’s a little voice that’s there. Sometimes it’s a voice that keeps us safe. And I recognize that. But it’s a voice that should also be kind. You should be able to look at yourself and say, You look nice today.

Was that hard for you? was really hard for me for a really long time.

But are you speaking kindly to yourself? In those in between moments? I do want to challenge you, like I said, to consider how you’re speaking to yourself. And then here’s the hard part. Just stop yourself the next time that you think like that to consciously take a moment and say, was that nice? Am I being nice to myself? And for some people I understand it’s going to be really hard to just stop and compliment yourself instead. I totally understand that. I have those days still. Where that feels empowering. For on those days, here’s part of advice. Number three, get yourself a group of people that can do it for you. There’s the quote that we become like the five people we spend the most time with something along those lines, and being able to take that mentality. Are the people around you constantly talking about other people’s bodies? are they judging them? Are they making comments that aren’t nice? And aren’t constructive? Is it their business to do so? No.

Then why are you hanging out with them? Why are you in the back of your mind? Thinking that? What are they saying about me? You should never have to guess about those things. They should build you up. Especially when you’re having days that you can’t do it yourself. And that’s a lot of days, I’m not saying it’s just going to be once in a blue moon. Again, I still struggle with this constantly. But the people who surround you should be able to tell you, you look great today. Your hair looks fantastic. I just love your smile, your laugh makes me laugh. And while these compliments about our looks, they feel great. But are the people you surround yourself with are these people who complement your kindness are these people who complement your soul? Are these people who love to be around you, because you make them laugh? Are these people who love to be around you because you make them feel safe. You want to know what those things are. Nothing to do with your weight, and nothing to do with your body. And everything to do with the amazing soul that you are. And the people around you should be the ones to recognize this. Even if you can’t recognize it in yourself. I’m going to challenge you.

When you compliment someone else, absolutely compliment them. Tell the lady in the grocery store that you love her hair, or her boots or her purse, tell the guy on the street that his jacket looks great on him. Do those things, those small things, pick others up. However, also compliment those closest to you with a compliment that has nothing to do with their body, or what they’re putting on their body. I know we’re talking about confidence. I know we’ve talked about clothes. I know we’ve talked about all of this. But it’s extremely important to receive compliments and to give compliments and to see others in a way that has nothing to do with their physical form. And everything to do with the way that they make you feel or the way that they make others feel. Those are complements on your being. Those are complements that make you feel like the other stuff matters just a little bit less. My friends are ridiculous. My friends say that I make them laugh. But I think I’m like kind of funny, but like, I’m not like the funny guy in the group. Which is fine. So when my friends tell me that I make them laugh, it lights up my world. I love it. I love it. Or when we’re all belly laughing because I’m being ridiculous because I feel safe enough to let my guard down to make funny noises to you know, do impersonations to do anything with the people closest to me, and it makes them laugh. And I can be that person with them. Because I’m not self conscious. Because they are the people pick me up when I’m feeling down about something that is physical, because they are also the people who picked me up around everything. Not physical confidence is this really, really fickle thing?

And I know that that probably doesn’t make it sound any easier. And you’re like great, Carly, are you just talking about confidence and now you’re gonna tell me it’s terribly hard. It is.

And it’s easy at the same time. It’s a consciousness of choosing yourself. It’s a consciousness of choosing what makes you feel good. And damn all the fucking rest of it. It’s learning to become neutral with yourself first. Then learning to like yourself, and then moving towards loving yourself. This is a daily process.

Sometimes this isn’t hourly process of becoming neutral, liking yourself and moving towards loving yourself. So much of confidence starts somewhere. And that somewhere is body neutrality. Your body does a job, your body is moving you place to place, your body breathes, your body drinks water, your body has basic functions. Congratulate your body for just one second right

now. Thank you for moving me. Thank you for functioning. Thank you for letting me be thank you for breathing. Thank you for my heart beating. Thank you for my legs moving, thank you for

the list goes on and on. On and on. Just Thanks. That’s not love. That’s just thanks. But it starts there. It starts with recognizing that your body is the vessel. And it does do these things for you. And just acknowledging it, that it does these things. And then it becomes the process of moving into liking your body. I like this. I like my eyes. I like my smile. I love my nails. I don’t really like my knees, but they bend. And they do things and they carry me in love my forearms. I really like my but there’s a lot that goes into me being able to say these things out loud. There is a decade of choosing myself waking up and choosing me what I think choosing what I put on my body, choosing who I associate with choosing how I speak to myself. Choosing how I want to be presented to the world. Choosing how I want to make others feel every single day is a choice. Every single one, every single hour is a choice. And confidence in its basest form, comes from those choices. A feeling confident in your decision about those choices. It’s so simple. And it’s so incredibly hard at the same time. So here’s my hope for you. I hope so very much that in this moment, and the next one. And the next one, that you’re gonna choose to be kind to yourself.

And then that act of kindness is going to change your day. And the act of kindness is going to change somebody else’s day. I hope that you choose you. I hope that you choose what’s best for you. Because all of those things lead to this confidence that I have, I guess that people cover it, I guess I want you to have it. I want you to have it, I will gladly share it with you, my friend. gladly share it with you, my friend. But you have to make the choice for yourself. You have to choose you. So I guess I’ll go ahead and say my practical steps are a little bit complicated. But so simple at the same time. Start with your underwear. Start with your underwear, clean up your underwear drawer. Just clean up your underwear drawer, start there. And then you’re going to hear my voice in your head when you’re doing it. You’re going to hear the idea that this might make a change. And I applaud you for that. Also stoked to be the voice in your head. But you know, that’s a whole other thing. I applaud you for it. Because that consciousness of a different voice makes a difference. It’s so easy. And it’s so hard. And I’m here to applaud you every single step of the way. I’m here to tell you there’s a place for you that there is some place for Everybody, I’m gonna keep saying it. I’m gonna keep saying it. There is some place for everybody.

There’s so much space for us all to be big and beautiful and confident in our actions in our hearts, in our words in our everything. There’s space for that. There’s space for that. You can do it, because if I could do it, you could do it. I wasn’t always like this. And I’m sure things will continue to change. My body will continue to change as all of ours do. And I will still choose myself every day. Every hour. Every negative thought. I’m going to choose myself over the negativity. here to cheer you on. Go get him Tiger. Thanks so much for listening to someplace for everybody. If you love this episode, would you mind leaving me a review in your favorite podcast app and subscribe to the show. If you’re looking for a community to love on you and support you and your self love Journey, come join our all gender Facebook group someplace for everybody which can be found in the show notes at someplace for everybody.com Until we meet again, be kind to yourself