Episode 024: Owning Your Body & Your Culture with Brandi Douglas

There are so many forms of self-love and acceptance that we’ve shared here on the podcast, but what about owning your body and your culture? In this episode, Brandi Douglas joins us to talk about diversity and inclusion, her journey to self love, and owning her body and culture.

Review the Show Notes:

Get to Know Brandi Douglas (:53)

Background in Diversity & Inclusion (4:17)

Black Women in Politics (5:44)

Feeling Controversial in a Brave Space (7:36)

Openness to Understanding (13:55)

How Brandi Flirts (21:00)

Diversity on Cruise Ships & Body Image in Different Cultures (26:57)

 Getting Comfortable & Confident in Your Body (50:29)

Resources for Your Journey (57:48)

Advice to Younger Self (1:11:05)

Book Mentioned in This Episode: The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet

Review the Transcript:

Carly Someplace  

Welcome to some place for everybody where we talk about belonging and being a human in our bodies and living in and learning to love our bodies. I’m your host, Carly someplace. This podcast is brought to you by someplace images, boudoir for everybody, you can see the full show notes at some place for everybody.com. Now, let’s change some self perspectives.

Brandi Douglas  

Hi, y’all, it’s Carly, someplace that I’m so incredibly excited to introduce you to one of my 2021 brand ambassadors, the amazing brandy Douglas, Brandy, I know you have a list. That is it’s got a lot of letters. And there’s lots of things and you’ve got so many cool things going on, and titles that you can add before and after your name. So tell us the things about you.

Brandi Douglas  

I will do my best. Hi everyone. So like Carly said, my name is Brandi. I use she/they pronouns. Currently I’ll talk about what I’m doing currently and then back up. So currently I am a doctoral student at Clemson University, and I am studying educational leadership with emphasis in higher education. My research is around diversity, equity inclusion work. And that’s the work that I’ve done for 10 plus years at different universities, including Oregon State University, and University of Nebraska Lincoln. I’m originally from Stillwater, Oklahoma, I think the only thing that I want to add is I used to host a podcast once upon a time.

Brandi Douglas  

I didn’t know that I didn’t

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah, it was part of my job at Oregon State and so okay, and then you were like I’m really enjoying. Yes. So I may host another podcast someday. Carly’s actually like, You’re seriously inspiring me to do that again. Those are those are the cool things that I think I can I can bring right now.

Brandi Douglas  

I love it. I love it. And diversity and inclusion. And like, those are a very, I don’t want to say big hot topics in the last couple years. Obviously, it’s a field that’s been around for a lot longer than that, and also was very needed in every single workplace. period on the face of the planet. What is I don’t know what I want to be like, Tell me some experiences, I guess cool things that you’ve seen come of that. And also like, I want to be like, tell me the crazy shit. But like, tell me the crazy shit. Crazy shit. There’s always crazy shit like we like crazy. But I think I mean, there are very important topics, obviously. And I think that they are, but I think it’s so cool that, especially with that background of diversity and inclusion, and then as you’re going into higher education, and leadership, I think that those are all things that fall in so incredibly well with one another. They also just are the things that I think about you in general. I’ve known you now for what almost four years? I think that that sounds about Yeah, yeah, for five years now, about four or five years where I’m excited about that. And in the whole time, and actually and how we connected is one of my past students who is also one of your past students. Shout out to Martina Martina was one of my students on Semester at Sea and she was one of your students at Oregon State. So it is it’s cool. And then I also have a connection to Oregon State. My best friend’s little sister went there. So I was in Corvallis often. So I got to be around and I feel like we’ve got like some mutual friends and mutual places in common. And if I do, you were you were meant to be in my life.

Brandi Douglas  

We’re meant to be in each other’s lives.

Brandi Douglas  

It’s true. And obviously, you’re a brand ambassador for me. Yeah, presently, we’re about to be wrapping up the 2021 season and moving into our new 2022 Ambassadors, which is going to be cool. But yeah, so let’s let’s, let’s talk about you

Brandi Douglas  

to go into the question about diversity stuff. So just to give a background about how I got into it. I actually started doing diversity work when I was 13. So I don’t know it just is around black history. As a black woman. I didn’t really know a lot about the history of black people in the United States. And so and there wasn’t textbooks, it still is left out of textbooks. Definitely wasn’t Oklahoma. And so it was a teacher who was not my teacher who actually tapped me and asked me if I wanted to start doing some Black History Month events in our junior high school and so she kind of sparked that interest and I took it and ran with it until yeah, I’ve just ran with it. You’re still doing I’m still doing it.

Brandi Douglas  

February you did an entire most an entire month source of every single day in some place, boudoir and glamour, you posted a like very empowered black woman as part of Black History Month. And I learned so much.

Brandi Douglas  

I love doing that.

Brandi Douglas  

There were definitely I mean, obviously, there were definitely figures that I recognized. But there were also so many that I didn’t recognize. And now obviously, March being Women’s History Month, like there’s still so many figures that I recognize, and so many figures that I don’t recognize in in things that others are sharing now. And I think I think that you’re sharing has sparked a lot of people wanting to share about others, as well as other empowered women, which is just an amazing thing. But like I learned I did, I learned so much when you were pressing those every single day I like sat down to read them. And then you’re like, here’s all my resources or

Brandi Douglas  

my resources. That’s the directorial side of like, I should probably, you know, make sure I’m citing people. But I wanted to do that, because I wanted to make sure that, you know, you and I know this, but most folks don’t always consider black woman to be multifaceted. And I wanted to make sure that we were talking about not only just black women, like cool black women like Michelle Obama and Oprah, but one talked about like, out like Alice ball, or one talked about Condoleezza Rice, who’s very controversial in some ways, you know, and so, but she’s still an amazing black woman who is the first Secretary of State as a black woman. And so like she needed that, you know, that deserves to be in there. And so, yeah, so I just, I’m glad that went over super well, I was I’m not gonna lie as a little afraid to be like, I hope this works out. Well, not between us. But you know, I don’t know how some folks will always see black women like right now we have katachi brown Jackson, who is trying to be the first black woman on the Supreme Court. And the things that she’s going through right now for confirmation hearing is such a stark reminder that we’re black woman have to go through to jump through hoops like she has done so much more than any Supreme Court, current Supreme Court Justice to get to the space that she’s in. And so, but defer to not see that to I mean, you still have to go through the questioning period. Yes. Right. You know, I hope it’s not as big of a hurdle for her because she’s done art. She’s already done so much work. But to see her as a multifaceted human being who’s not who’s very much an impartial figure in her work. Right. You know, she’s not, you know, I think a lot of people just have a specific thought process when you see a black woman. And that’s not always the case.

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah, well, and I totally understand where you’re coming from, though, of like, I don’t want to say being nervous. There’s like, even when it comes to posting in some places boudoir and glamour, I get nervous about some of the things that I’m like, am I being too controversial with this? Other thing is like, I hate having that feeling. I hate having that feeling. And I, I hate being like, Is this too much of a controversy, and I don’t think somebody being an empowered black woman should be a controversy, period. But I also understand it’s the internet. And then we have 10,000 people in that group. That is, it’s a large group, it’s not a small space, it’s not, you know, you don’t know every single person in there. And as much as we are constantly in there monitoring and having conversations and opening people’s eyes to different ways to look at bodies and different ways to look at people just in general, as well as themselves. There’s still this like undercurrent of it may be, it could be anything that we say could be super triggering for somebody about themselves. And that’s what it comes into. Especially when you’re bringing in things that like disrupt, potentially a history that they know, and that they’re taking as a truth, when it’s not actually fact. And so, I think that in a lot of history, teaching moments, being able to like, like you said, like sharing all of these stories of these black women in the, you know, 17th and 1800s, for a lot where you were referencing things that far back and even, you know, becoming prominent women in America in a time when black women were looked at as I mean, just after slavery, things like these are really big, heavy conversations, and having these facts about their lives that contradict a lot of what was taught, and you know, 100% whitewashed in the school and education culture that we all grew up in, in America. So I think that I think that there’s, there’s obviously there’s so much coming from that. And I I respect that. And I totally understand where you’re coming from with that. Because people get combative and it’s a space that we all want to keep, as I don’t want to say neutral because that’s like, not the word but like, safe and when you start it when people start going back and forth. I mean, I know you’ve seen we, it’s very rare that I have to like lose my shit on somebody. It happens like maybe two times a year, which I think in a group of like 10 It’s actually pretty good. It’s only like once or twice a year that I really have to, like, lose my shit and, and get on Facebook Live and yell at people. And then everybody’s like, Oh, what those are, those are the most exact when I finally when like my Aries energy is like I’m here and I’m ready to like tear you to pieces, because my long fuse is finally done. And somebody pushed me over the edge and made a comment that is just so ridiculous. I’m like, No, this is not happening today. But yeah, it’s, but I totally understand, because sometimes you have no idea what it’s gonna be. Like.

Brandi Douglas  

I think like, you know, we you specifically, but you know, you’ve also empowered this with your brand ambassadors, I wouldn’t even call it I mean, Safe is a good word, I would honestly call it a brave space, to be able to, I want to, I guess, we take risk, we take risk in that group we do to post things and our members take risks in the in the group to post their personal and be vulnerable, it’s risky to be vulnerable in a space where you where you don’t know just about everybody in it. And people are hiding behind a computer. Technically, we all have our beautiful faces on our photos. But you know, right, you don’t know that person. And so it’s a brave space to be in that word warriors like, yes, they do. They do. And I didn’t I no longer have the time or day or to give them any my since they don’t pay me.

Brandi Douglas  

Exactly. I don’t I don’t have time for people like that either. Like, I mean, I’m pretty clear about like, if you come in, yes, we all have different opinions, we were all raised in different ways. We’re all raised with different beauty standards, life standards, all of this other stuff. But like if you come in, and you just can’t be kind to somebody, or if somebody is telling you, what you’re doing is harmful, and you’re not listening to them, you’re gone. I just I don’t have the patience to try and educate you if you’re not gonna listen, by your blog. I just literally admit, I’ll get on a rant and be like, okay, don’t act like this person, because I don’t have time for your bullshit and you gone if you’re doing it. It’s true, though. Like, I just, I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to, I don’t want to talk until I’m blue in the face of like, if when I say all bodies, I mean fucking all bodies, a ll all. That doesn’t mean besides this one person, or besides this one type, or besides this one skin tone, or besides all period. And I think that’s a really hard concept for some people. And it becomes pretty apparent, usually when they’re in the group that if if that’s not what they think, and they finally make a stand about it, I’m like, Yeah, you don’t belong here by right. All I can do is like I want to be like, bless and release. But it’s like, I really hope you get to a point where you realize that maybe something like that I removed you from this group for a reason. And like, maybe you should think about that, like, I just I feel like it’s like putting a kid in timeout and being like, I think you need to think over your actions and your words.

Brandi Douglas  

Well, it’s also you know, like, one, it’s helpful for them to kind of out themselves. So we already know who they are. And let that load. But there’s also like a time, place and manner for for an educational moment, like your whole group is an educational moment. And if you’re seeing these you’re seeing these posts, you’re seeing these conversations, and you’re you are not interested or open to at least hear it out, then this ain’t the space for you, like I think that goes true with is with diversity and social justice education. I can I can honestly have workshops, I can have trainings, I can do webinars, I can have talks and classrooms, I can give presentations. But if the people in there are not ready to open their ears and minds to see and hear and validate somebody else’s truth, then there’s nothing else I can do for you.

Brandi Douglas  

Exactly. And I it’s it’s that openness that people, I think that that’s like, what we just need to be taught more is I think we just need to be taught more openness and like,

Brandi Douglas  

like, more openness, more understanding that there’s more than one reality in this world. Right. Chemin de I’m going to butcher her last name this author’s who talks about the danger of a single story. Yeah. And it’s it’s absolutely true. About You know, you can’t go through life thinking that your story is the same as everyone else’s story. Like there are multiple there are multiple universes, there are multiple truths, and they can all be valid. And it’s really hard. And I’m not talking about the extremes because somebody will always say, Well, what about you know, a racist living in blah, blah, blah, I’m like, oh, no, they’re their truth is invalid. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

Brandi Douglas  

Even if you look at it in the fact of like, siblings growing up, you were raised by the same parents in the same place. You generally experienced the same school system, the same everything. And you might have vastly different experiences. And you can’t take that, as an idea of like, I’m this is I see things differently from this person who has will say 90% of the same experiences, raising everything like that. Even if you go through a small system, usually the same teachers, usually the same everything, you’re still gonna end up with different truths, and you’re still gonna end up with different ideas, because you are different people. But that is like, if that’s the reality is that every single person’s truth and reality is different and very just them, then like, where do we not understand that? Obviously, people have vastly different experiences than us, when somebody who potentially even grew up in the same household as us has an extremely different vast reality for ourselves.

Brandi Douglas  

Exactly. I think there’s just the stopping point is around, you know, things that you talk about, about body, about body image about body positivity, there’s a stopping point there. There’s a gap there, there’s a dissonance there. There’s a dissonance when it comes to race, there’s a distance when it comes to gender, sexual orientation, the thing the social identities that we all hold, or are, you know, not want to hold but are part of how we’re perceived? Is that is that dissonance is that disconnect, for most people that multiple truths can happen? Like, you know, when talking about body image growing up for me, it’s not so much of like, being a big girl was bad. It was more of just like, you know, if you want to lose weight, this is how you do it. Like I remember vividly conversations with my mom about like, hey, maybe we should walk more Baba blah, blah, blah. And then the the same conversation, Carly, like, right after having that part. We’re like, Alright, let’s go get some ice cream. Right, like, that’s the next that’s the next part of the conversation yet. Great. Let’s go to Brahms. Which if you’ve never been to Brahms, get your life. Oh, my gosh, if you’re ever in Oklahoma, or Texas, I think they’re in Kansas, maybe in Kansas? If you happen to be one of those three states for some reason. I don’t know why you would be but if you are finding centers everywhere. So I mean, I don’t want to I’m not shitting on those states. But I’m saying most people don’t go to those states unless you have a very specific reason. If you’re in the state, you already know about Brahms. Right? You know about Brahms if you’re in Oklahoma, but for those who ever if you go, Brahms is the place to go. But like those were the conversations I was having. And I don’t I don’t remember hearing those types of conversations from my white women friends growing up when we if we ever actually have conversations about body, which is rare, right? Which is already rare. Enough, right?

Brandi Douglas  

It’s funny, you say that it’s rare. And I feel like that’s, I don’t want to be like, I feel like that’s all I talk about. But that’s all I talk about in my 30s I guess it’s really I could say that in literally in the last like, three to four years. I talk about bodies, and my own body more than I’ve ever talked about it. And but that’s because I’ve figured out that it is such a gateway to be able to have these open conversations. Yeah. And and you’re right, and everybody was raised in a different way for that. Of like, of having that. So yeah, yeah,

Brandi Douglas  

I think I mean, I think the way the remember this, this is mainly an assumption. We never talked about it before. 30s 40s. But the age range, like, if you’re talking about in high school or early college, how we normally see it is not seeing someone take diet pills. And that be that that is usually it. Right, right there. I knew some girls in high school who would do that. And I just never understood that. Like, why would you do that? And like now thinking about it, reflecting on it, like there had to be somebody in their home, or somebody in their life who had this conversation in such a way that that you know, just this was the next conclusion. This was the thing that we had to do they felt pressured to do it right. They felt pressured to do it. And that was never and I’m not saying that this is the black experience because as brandy I cannot speak for black people and nor would I ever, but as brandy the black girl. That was never a conversation in our house. If I was ever doing that, I also like

Brandi Douglas  

listen, if I ever go to Oklahoma, all I know is that I would like to go to your parents house and have barbecue.

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah, you definitely doing that. That’s the first thing that’s gonna happen like my dad and my mom are gonna say hey, how you doing? If you’re ever in Stillwater, Oklahoma and you go to these downhome barbecue, just say, you know, Brandy and my dad’s face will just light up. Like, like, you know, Brady, like that’s, that’s that’s us like food, food, food food is us and so when it comes to body image, like I I think I was Wouldn’t that more on myself and my family was putting on me? Does that make sense? So like, and where that came from, I truly honestly cannot tell you. I think it was just being around people that we consume media. Yeah. You know, just wanting to unconsciously subconsciously be in that space have that cool. Well, that’s not true. There’s some there’s part of body image to me that connects with relationships, remote romantic relationships, and like, not being this size. means that I’m not, I’m not capable of having love. romantically. Right. And so that was that’s usually the connector for me. And it took a long time to get out of that one.

Brandi Douglas  

I mean, I would say that movies feed us that.

Brandi Douglas  

Of like, movies, a lot of it, but it’s also just being around other people who aren’t your family. You know, and just like, because I let me tell you a story about how I flirt Carly real quick. So when I was in high school in college, I had no shame in my game. And so the best example of this, I love that. I feel like with me, I’m ready. Example of this is when I was in, when I was in college at Oklahoma State. Now picture this, I was a resident assistant, we were doing training. And between the two these two buildings was this volleyball field, right? And there’s hot day, there’s these guys, no shirts on playing volleyball. And I said, they look like they need some water. I went to the nearest vending machine and bought the two biggest bottles of Aquafina. I could install it on out there, it’s okay. You guys look really thirsty. Would you like some water? And they stopped their game and all of them came. And you know, he talked and drank, you know, the guy was like, oh. And I went back. I was like, I didn’t want their number anything. And when trying to do that, I was just like, let me just see if I can get some attention. And I did. And then I went about my way. And then like, three weeks later, one of the guys recognize me and he was like, Hey, I was like, Who the fuck are you? To be like, oh, yeah, water. I gave you that water. That’s right. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me. And I kind of went about my way, but that so you know, that’s how I flirted. But if I was interested in somebody and still did that tactic, it would never work for me, because they saw this body. And you’re like, Nah, I’m good. And in the ones who did just wanted to fuck, and that was it. And that’s not to. That’s not who I was. I’m not someone I didn’t give that away freely. That’s, I’m not to say that people who do are terrible, they’re great. It’s just not who I wanted to be. And so it took me a while for relationships and sexual and romantic to happen. And I think a lot of that contribute to how I saw myself, I have

Brandi Douglas  

to say, put a pin in that I like your distinction between sexual and romantic. Those are two very different things, very different things. Very different things. And when they line up, it’s fucking awesome. It’s great. Don’t always and that’s, that’s okay.

Brandi Douglas  

Nor do they need to know. Me do it, nor do they need to like my. I’m glad we can talk about anything on your podcast. So I love the time that I felt most secure. And my body is when I was having sex with two different dudes. Okay, yeah, separately. Yeah. Like, I was like, I am in this body, like I was 300 Plus, and I was still being able to attract people who I was attracted to. And we could be together sexually. And that would be the end of it. Right? Like, I wasn’t interested in a relationship. They weren’t interested in a relationship. But we found each other mutually attractive. And that was something I never had before. Right. But I felt comfortable myself to go out and do it. Like I had to feel comfortable in myself first, to be like, I can do this. This is something I can do. And to be perfectly honest, Carly, I probably could have been doing it earlier, but I wasn’t I didn’t believe I could, because I didn’t think people wanted this type of my type of body. Like I had to really, you know, I know you hear this all the time from every person you talk to that, you know, you had to fall in love with yourself first. You had to know the chair of the ship first. And then like be able to it’s like coming out is when I came out as bisexual I had to be like I am or now I’m pansexual. But when I first came out as bisexual, right? Like I had to come out to myself first and that’s the same thing with I feel like with body images and body positivity, like because of the socialization that we have around size. We have to fall in love with ourselves first before we can do that for anybody else. So like my flirt game was great, but like everything else like I needed

Brandi Douglas  

I wish I wish I had some flirt game like that my flirt game is terrible. You’re like, No, I

Brandi Douglas  

know. I want to hear that. Yes.

Brandi Douglas  

I’m trying to think I think like, okay, so honestly, I think if I had any flirt game in life, it’s probably what I worked on ships. And honestly, this sounds silly, but it’s what I worked on ships was like really eye opening for me in terms of my body for the fact that I was in such a melting pot of cultures. And so being obviously a very curvy white woman and I grew up in a super like athletic town, and everybody is like, Let’s go skiing for a date. And I’m like, I don’t really want to. Like even even before I met Pate, and before, all of this stuff, and I’m always like, please don’t ever leave me because I don’t want to go back to dating. That I feel that’s so hard. Um, but like being on dating apps and even being here and like, being in my area, Reno, Nevada is like, of course, we have these like outdoor wonderlands. Pretty much everywhere we are. It’s super athletic around here. But like, people were literally like, if you can’t beat me down the mountain don’t swipe right. Or Wow. And I was literally like, wow, okay, so like, literally, you’re like, I just need somebody who’s just as athletic as I am like, what about character? What about heart? What about kindness, like, cool, but like, and I wanted to be like, I probably still could serve just because you moved here two years ago, and you think you’re like ultimate skier? Like, I’ve been okay, since I was three. Thank you very much. Do I want to fuck no. Can I Yes. When I started working on cruise ships, I was a vast minority as an American amongst employees. So cruise ships, my first ship that I worked on there, there’s about 1100 employees or 1100. Crew members on about six to 700 of those people are Filipino is the vast majority. And then statistically, about two to 300 people are Indian. So those are the like, larger majorities of just diversity on ships. And it’s because it is I mean, that’s a culture that especially in the Philippines, like it is very there. People have ships like there, the Philippines is a nation of islands and this it’s a very common thing for people to work on cruise ship. If you look at the cruise industry. Overall, I want to say the statistic is that it’s like close to 60% of all cruise crew are Filipino. Wow. Isn’t that crazy? Awesome. 101 I cannot wait to actually at some point, go visit my friends in the Philippines because I have so many friends in the Philippines. And it’s amazing. But being introduced to different cultures and different societies, different food, different everything. Like I got to experience all of this while it was on ships. And then I got to meet. I will remember this. This was on my first ship. And this was like one that just like, changed so much for me. My friend Lance, who worked in the photo department with me is from St. Lucia. And he is a just adorable, goofy photographer. But he’s a man from the Caribbean. And so he looked at me one day and he was like, you know, when you walked down the I 95 which is like the quarter on all ships to get through, like the belly of the ship. He’s like, he’s like, you know, when you walk by every man who is from the Caribbean watches, you know? And he was like, he was like, Carly, your ass is a Caribbean. I was so I don’t even want to say like naive but honestly, like naive, I was like 23 And he was like, Oh yeah, he was like, This is what Caribbean men want. It’s like, okay, and I it literally took that comment coming directly from somebody not even somebody being like, I’m a flirt with you and girl, I like your big booty and all this other stuff. I’ve experienced that before. But literally being like, No, this is a cultural thing. This is like it is an extremely attractive thing to men from the Caribbean for women to have a big us and I was like, oh, okay, like how do you have him tell me that and I was like interesting. But then it’s like so then I see like there’s a there’s a couple other guys that I worked with on ships who are from Barbados and like and again St. Lucia and all this other stuff and like these are beautiful men beautiful meant they’re firefighters on the ships. They’re all nice. And I’m walking by making eyes me and I’m like

Brandi Douglas  

And I was like, and I hate to be like, that gave me so much confidence. But it gave me so much confidence. And I guess like, I really hadn’t been in a situation where somebody blatantly told me, I’m super attracted to your body type. Yeah, very attracted to your body type. And also, then it’s this cultural thing that we’re all talking about it and I was like, Oh, it changed a lot of perspective for me, because that was the type of thing that I hadn’t felt like, I was that attractive within my, within my own skin. I mean, I was still in my early 20s, we’re all still kind of floundering around at that point, let’s not get ourselves in my early 20s. But like, that gave me such a confidence boost, that I was like, oh, okay, this is fun. I’m like, Cool. That’s good to know. And I like just like, tucked that nugget into my brain. And now I’m like, alright. And it’s one of those things that like, really was such a simple conversation that changed my whole outlook, both on my body, and the fact that I was like, I’ve dated American men my whole life, maybe I should change that. Like, actually, let’s like, take a different look at this. And it’s true. Like it just it shifted my perspective. And let me love me more. To then let other people in to feel that like, sexual relationship and and feel like I was sexually attractive. Don’t get me wrong. There were definitely moments where I’m like, I’m pretty today, but like, sexually attractive, not something I felt until I worked on ships.

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah. See, the thing I’ve been really cool about that. Not only is that, you know, somebody told you, but that you

Brandi Douglas  

would like dancing crew bar, and he’d be like, Come dance with me. And I’m like, he’s like, he’s like, he’s like, I love you. And I love that booty, but I’m not gonna hit on you. You can just dance. I was like,

Brandi Douglas  

that’s a good friend. That he

Brandi Douglas  

really truly he became such a like, safe space for me to do those things and, and to dance and to do all this stuff that I loved. And then he’s like, Well, everybody’s staring at you.

Brandi Douglas  

Man like that sometimes.

Brandi Douglas  

Man like that. And he was straight and he was like, like, usually it’s a gay man. That’s gonna be like, Oh, boo. Everybody’s looking at you. But like,

Brandi Douglas  

I love all sorts of hype. And I’m usually that person for people side.

Brandi Douglas  

By person, obviously.

Brandi Douglas  

Yes, yes. Currently is an amazing hype woman. I will name that for sure. Absolute freakin

Brandi Douglas  

take pride in that. I yell a lot of Yes, Queen in my life.

Brandi Douglas  

For me, too. I will say that, you know, like, some of that coming from men can also like, I don’t want folks to be like, Oh, well, it took a man to

Brandi Douglas  

know exactly why I have feels about that. And then I’m like, it sounds silly. But

Brandi Douglas  

no, I think it’s, it doesn’t matter the gender, you needed that you needed that point. Like I get the male gaze piece and like, I struggle with some of that piece to have like, oh, I need the male gaze to validate me as a beautiful, sexy woman. And like, okay, but I think that way now because I needed that moment. Right? Like, I no longer need male gaze to feel the way I feel. Right? And then sometimes it just takes a person to knock us out of that. And even then it still takes a bit. Like yes, to do that. We still have to do that work ourselves. And so like, you know, yeah, that’s still gonna, they’re still gonna be the thing no matter what, like, you can have a guy. I’m glad there was somebody in your life to be like, No, really, girl, your ass is really good. And there are people who, who would really, like find you absolutely attractive, just the way you are. But you still need to take that moment for yourself to think that it was

Brandi Douglas  

it was I think the thing that it was his like, oh, okay, and that was like such a, like, honestly, I guess like a compliment. And, and it was the type of thing that it then made me here’s what it is. It made me look at myself a different way being like, oh, people period doesn’t matter who do find this attractive. Just because I’ve potentially been in the wrong circles or I’ve been in this space where other people aren’t making me feel this way. Doesn’t mean that everybody does and that was that was was is that was that catalyst of like, No, you are attractive and me being like, oh, okay, if if one person thinks this and clearly these other very gorgeous men who are watching me walk down this in my terrible 10 horrible, terrible ship uniform think that I look good in it? Like I looked like a seventh grade science teacher I kid you listen khaki pants, but I had to Are you ready, I had to get permission from my boss to buy my own khaki pants because the ship pants barely went up to my size and they were polyester and I could not bend in them. And I was like, I’m gonna bust to see him. I’m gonna bust the whole back seam of this. And like so yeah, no wonder they were looking at me because I am like squeezing. And like literally like blue and white striped polos are blue and white striped button downs with a navy vest over the top seventh grade science teacher that is like, straight up where I was, I needed a little little mustache, and like, maybe a comb over and I would have been like the typical seventh grade science teacher.

Brandi Douglas  

So like, you actually described close pretty close to my eyes.

Brandi Douglas  

So for somebody to tell me, Hey, you look attractive in this. I was like, Oh, interesting. Very

Brandi Douglas  

was your let me ask you this was your first thought. Are you kidding? Are you lying? Or like, Did you believe them? Like, immediately?

Brandi Douglas  

Um, I think I think I, I did believe Lance. Because again, at that point, we were friends. And we’d been working together. And I’d watched him like, hit on other women and flirt with them and like all of this other stuff. And, and then for him to turn around and be like, No, you’re attractive. This is attractive, all this other stuff. Like, don’t you see people staring at you and like, and those pants like? And I think that like, because he was my friend and there had never, like, he wasn’t the type of guy like, yeah, he was like, he loved to, like, have fun and be funny, but he wasn’t the like, I don’t wanna say joking type, he wasn’t gonna make a joke of being like, Oh, you look so good. And not and have it be a joke. So he was very honest in his humor, in all ways. And I think that just as a person, I just felt very safe with him. We just connected really well on on so many different things. And I just had a really great friendship. And like, I saw I did trust him. And so and I, I’m sure at first, I was probably like, Oh, my God stopped. No, but I also now, I would say things like that, but I back then I probably just like turned bright red and was like, okay, like I and I was probably like, Stop it. You’re kidding. And he’s like, No, I’m not. And so So I probably would have said something along those lines of like, I don’t want to say a reaction of disbelief. But like, it’s like, when somebody tells you something you really want to hear you’re like, Oh my god. Right. So I think it was probably something along those lines that I was like, Oh my god. So really, and and then when he was like, yes, and confirmed it with with no humor, no anything behind it and was like, No, I’m telling you facts. I was like, Oh, you are telling me facts. Facts are nice. I like facts. I can listen to facts. Um, and, and then it and then. And not only was he telling me facts, it was then backed up by like, physical actions that I could see from others. So I was like, oh, because he opened my eyes to it. So I think that he was probably that first instance where he was like, No, this, you are attractive. And these are the attractive qualities, specifically and like bodily things that are attractive, because it was so just factual of what he was telling me. I think I believed him more than like, and the other thing, he was my friend, he wasn’t flirting with me. He wasn’t trying to sleep with me. There was none of that happening. He was just like, Girl, you’re attractive. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I think that it’s hard because we get into these ruts of being like, well, of course, my friends say that to me. They’re my friends. But we don’t really give ourselves pause to think like, why would they lie to us? Right, Truly, truly, because we’re like, like, when I’m hyping people up. They’re like, Oh, you’re just saying it and I’m like, No, I wouldn’t like and I think I had an entire conversation about this on a different podcast episode with a previous brand ambassador kala talking about giving compliments and like, and sometimes at first, even if they don’t come from I don’t want to say a genuine place. But if you’re like, if you’re like, Girl, that lipstick looks great on you. And it’s like it’s just something bold and different and something I wouldn’t wear, but I’m like good for you. That’s still a genuine compliment. It’s, I don’t want to be like I like it on you but I I would never wear it on me type thing. But we start to train our brains to truly see these. As you compliment people more as you build other people up you, you find things instantly in other people that you’re like, hey, I really like this about you. And so much of it, I find that that’s not even necessarily physical, I can add to the physical things. And I can tell people, Oh, my God, your legs like 1000 miles long when you pose them this way. Because it’s true. And that’s why I’m posing you that way. But in in that, I can look at people and say, gosh, I just love your laugh, or like, you’re so great at listening what I have to say, Well, I’m having a great conversation with you. Those are genuine things that have nothing to do with body that I think people take easier as complements, and then being able to then give them bodily compliments, they trust me, because I’ve said things about character. And I think that the mix of both of those things, I don’t want to say makes you more trustworthy, when you’re telling your friends those things. But literally, if I’m like, I mean, I know, I know. You know, I love you, we’ve been friends for like we said like for for almost five years. I love you, I can have open and candid conversations with you about anything and everything. And I can also be like

Brandi Douglas  

me, and you’re gonna be like, Yeah, okay, Carly thinks my butt is great. And I’m like, Yes, I do. I like, but that you believe me, because I am your friend. But also because we have built each other up in in ways that aren’t just about our bodies. Even though technically, when I met you, our relationship was based on me photographing you and you wanting to be more in love with your body. But that has evolved. And then and I think that, then obviously, not every person that I experienced in my life is going to be in front of a camera or is going to do those things. And I treat every single person the same in that, because I know that those are it builds trust. Yeah. Honest, honesty builds trust, period.

Brandi Douglas  

Honesty does build trust, and there is a part of you that still has to you have to believe that shit yourself. So I was like, when I think about compliments, when I think about when I used to how I used to take compliments. I’d be like, I would find a way to basically shit on your compliment, wherever that look like, I’d be like, Oh, it’s just or oh, you know, you’re I wouldn’t say anything about like, they’re wrong, I would find a way to be like, actually, what you’re complimenting is not me. It’s this, this, this and this, until my friend Harper was like, every time I think about it, this is I have I have them in my head. They’re like, take the fucking compliment. They’ve literally said that to me before. Like, oh, okay, I am taking the compliment. And you right, then

Brandi Douglas  

it’s hard to learn to accept compliments. I agree with you. It’s very hard. But then, and I and I tell people, when I can see people struggling with it, I’ll look at them and say, all you have to say is thank you, you don’t have to make an excuse. And you don’t even I don’t even want to say really accepted but by saying thank you, you accept that it’s a gift or something that I gave you. And you can just say thank you for receiving it. That’s exactly like literally, if somebody gives you a compliment, and you don’t know what to say, just say thank you. And that’s it. And it’s still gonna sit with you, and it’s still gonna change you and it’s still going to get in there. And even if you’re not like, Yes, I am a fucking queen, you’re if you say thank you. You’re gonna recognize some of those words, and you’re gonna recognize that that person is truthfully telling you those words. Yes. So I

Brandi Douglas  

say all the time.

Brandi Douglas  

I do. It is really hard. It’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to accept compliments. I think it’s it’s come a lot like I mean, people. God, this sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, but it is what it is. People will come up to me and be like, I’m just obsessed with your work. And I’m, you know, you just you do all these things, and you make people feel amazing. And how does that feel? And all this other stuff? And the honest answer is it’s overwhelming in a lot of ways, but like, it’s also really freakin cool. But when people are like, Oh my god, I’m just obsessed with this. And I’m like, Okay. Like, and I guess it’s, it’s hard for us to accept compliments. Because when you’re doing something that just feels normal and natural to you, you don’t think you should be complimented on it because it’s easy to you. But just because it’s easy to you doesn’t mean that it’s easy to other people. Right, like, and I think that learning to accept compliments is such a huge thing is just as hard as giving compliments, if not harder. If not harder, definitely harder. It’s a it’s really easy to compliment others it’s very hard to compliment ourselves and be to accept compliments from others easily. Even now, paint is so bad at taking compliments. I tell him every single day. I’m like I am so attracted to you. I am so in love with you. I think you’re so handsome. I love your curls. I think you have the cutest nose on the face of the planet like all of these things and he’s like stop To say, yeah, he doesn’t know what to say. And honestly, in the almost year of us dating, we really have only had a couple conversations where I’ve told him that like, Hey, this is really important. And I’m giving you this compliment. And he’s said, thank you. And I’m like, Oh, the progress. Right? Like, yes. Well, but no. And I think that and he struggles, like we all do a lot, the way that we look and different things like that. And so the compliments that I’ve given him that he’s taken and said, Thank you are compliments of his character. Yeah, that’s the way in, that’s the way in like, because when I say, you’re really great friend to your friends, you’re really good at being there. For people. He’s like, Thank you, I pride myself on that. Yeah, you should, you absolutely should. And I think that we, we learn to only try and take compliments on things that we do think that we’re actively doing. And a lot for a lot of us. appearance isn’t something that we feel like we actually have a part in, like an active part in, in a lot of ways. And I think that that needs to change, because I feel like as women specifically, the only way we feel like we’re taking an active part in our our appearance is if we’re getting dressed up and we’re putting makeup on and we’re doing these things and we’re being fed into that. beauty and fashion society and marketing that is like this is how you look attractive. And so if we’re not doing those things in our just inherent state of being, whether that’s like with bed head or absolutely terrible breath in the morning, and like you should see my bond every morning, it’s all over the place. And pay kisses me goodbye every morning and says, I love you. You’re beautiful. I hope you have a good day. And I’m like, This is not pretty right now. But okay, but here’s the thing is that he still finds it attractive and that I don’t get to change that opinion for him.

Brandi Douglas  

That is a good point. I mean, Adam is pretty much the same way. He’ll do this goofy thing though. That makes me laugh every time. He’s like, why did you get that? And I’m like, what? He’s like, all that cuteness. I’m like, I hate you. So I fall for that shit. Sometimes I don’t I’m like, I see what you’re doing. I’m falling for that. Like, how do I keep falling for the shit every single time? It’s because

Brandi Douglas  

you trust him? Because he knows you’re gonna be like,

Brandi Douglas  

what? Exactly.

Brandi Douglas  

And it’s really, it’s really our close partners who can do that and like, not make us feel foolish right, then.

Brandi Douglas  

It’s very fair, it’s but yeah, it is. It’s just such a compliments are hard. Compliments are hard. But back to what we originally started this with. Accepting it for yourself. And being able to love yourself is how moving forward, you can be more comfortable in in feeling sexually ready for a relationship or feeling sexually attractive in a relationship and different things like this. And and I will say for anybody listening that comes in ebbs and flows, just because you feel fucking fantastic one day doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to do it the next day. And that’s okay. We don’t have to stay on that high of that roller coaster every single day. And we don’t have to hold ourselves to the same feeling of standards every single day. We all have different things going on in our lives that affect all of our mental health. And so many of these different things that can affect the way that we see ourselves. So just a note for anybody who who needs to hear it just because you felt like fucking hot shit today. And you wake up tomorrow morning and you don’t feel it. That doesn’t mean you’re not exactly exactly what it is. It’s it’s really it’s taking those those days and those times where we’re feeling the most comfortable with ourselves, savoring them and then saying, what is it that I’m doing that has given me this, this thought and this care, and this everything that I can replicate and that I can create, again for myself. And sometimes that’s just like today, I was like, I’m not going to put real clothes on, I’m going to put on this dress that’s like pajamas. Because yeah, I want to feel cozy, and I’m going to do all this other stuff. And then I put it on, I’m like, damn, I love this dress, it looks good. And it’s like sweatpants, like, you know. It’s being able to do those things. Recognize small things that we need and encourage our own selves forward in order to have that better open relationship with others.

Brandi Douglas  

I’m here for all of this.

Brandi Douglas  

All of it, all of it, all of it. It’s true. It’s true. And that’s, and that’s how we become more inclusive human beings.

Brandi Douglas  

Which is the ultimate goal.

Brandi Douglas  

Such a simple lesson. It’s really, really easy to be inclusive. Just like yourself, you’ll find empathy for others.

Brandi Douglas  

As Lauryn Hill says it could all be so simple, but we rather make it hard.

Brandi Douglas  

Truly, truly, it’s crazy. So I have a couple of questions for you. The first one being so where When in your life have, I mean talking about you being with two guys and all of this other stuff of like feeling sexually comfortable and sexually desirable? But at what point in your life? Or was there like a catalyst or a turning point that made you become more comfortable with your body and feel, feel confident in existing in the body that you’re in? Despite, you know, all these standards that are put on every single one of us by society?

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah, I would honestly say it was. It was probably in the last few years. Like, I’m 40. Now, I don’t remember what my age was. That’s what happens. You forget your damn age. And so I would say, probably like, right before the pandemic started, so let’s push it back to like, 2019. Okay, I think I was, I was starting to I was, let me paint the picture. I was maybe three years removed from an engagement that I called off, I was, you know, finally coming into my own in my work life and my personal life. And like, my, my health, I’ve separated from my body image. Finally, like, I gotten to the point to be able to absolutely hard, which I may end up talking about anyway. Um, and so like, when it came time for me to get back into dating, I, I knew who I was. And I knew what I wanted to do. And I think there’s just so many things that were already going on in my life, that meant that I had taken charge in that my body image was just one that I need to start doing. And I think maybe it was after it was a few years after you and I had connected. Okay, two different photos. Right. So

Brandi Douglas  

because I think our first shoot was in 2018 18.

Brandi Douglas  

Yep. That sounds right. Yes. Because it was that summer. So this is the summer after that. I still have you know, I do go back and look in my viewfinder at those photos. Girl all the time with that

Brandi Douglas  

I loved I love that blonde you had in your head.

Brandi Douglas  

Oh my gosh, I miss that one photo.

Brandi Douglas  

It’s in my sample like box that I have of like, it’s like you and you’re sitting and you’re looking out the window and you’re wearing that like off the shoulder bodies? Yes. You just look like a fucking queen. Like you are just so like, Regal is like one of the my, like, favorite words to describe that photo. Did you even have your lion tattoo yet? Nope. And so it would be and it would be on the arm that was facing me if I shot it now. But like you just like in that photo, like I could have put a crown on you. And I would have been like, this is the fucking queen right here. And everybody would have been like, Yep, she’s a queen. That’s

Brandi Douglas  

so yeah, I think it’s just like I when I got back into it, I had some, you know, it’s not like everything went smoothly. I still had some rough patches with some some dudes, but like, having having actual fun dating allowed me to just be comfortable in my skin in my body, in how I presented myself. And it just felt good to be in that space. That didn’t work out with those folks. Absolutely not. And I ended up meeting Adam, like a year or so later, because we met we met during the pandemic. Which the one place I did not expect to find love was during a fucking pandemic. But here we are. No, but here we are. I had to be that person. I had to be myself now. Like, you know, I had to grow into my body and really just putting myself putting myself out there as brandy the the lioness, the goddess, who is not is not going to crumble if this relationship didn’t work out. Right? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And so it just really I don’t want to say it was like it was this willpower, but it was understanding the last few relationships I did in the engagement that I broke off. And what I needed to do to just be the person to let this to be water off a duck’s back. And a lot of that was really just giving myself grace, giving myself grace to be like, you know, you just talked about it, where you know, you may feel like this shit today and you don’t feel like it the next day. That in therapy helped a lot. Therapy is important. Therapy absolutely helps a lot. Those two things like I had the first therapist she shit but the second one, she was great. I mean, she was she was great. You know, she was cool, but thankfully she went on maternity.

Brandi Douglas  

But like important point that like you need to find out

Brandi Douglas  

who works for you works with you. It’s just

Brandi Douglas  

like friendship just because like somebody is somebody that you should see or potentially be Friends, but that doesn’t mean you automatically have to be friends. That doesn’t mean just because you go to a therapist, that doesn’t mean you have to like them or really feel safe with them. And it’s an important thing to find a therapist that is, that gives you that and helps you. In the best way that I’ve seen therapy talks about unravel all of this like tangled yarn in your brain, of like, all of these wires that are crossed, and the ways that we think that these things are thought about us or about ourselves, they’re there to help you untangle that. And if you have to find the right person for that, that doesn’t mean that’s the first one you go to.

Brandi Douglas  

So it definitely was not. And I’m glad, I’m glad to switch happen. And talking to her was really an eye opener, just not just about body, but about relationships. And I know most of my conversation, I tie a lot of my body image to relationships, because that was, that was how I was raised. That was just how I grew up how I ended up seeing that, you know,

Brandi Douglas  

I think that that’s how a lot of us were raised. I think that I think that a lot of us are raised that like you grow up, you meet somebody, you get married, you move forward, you do this, like that’s not the world we live in presently. And I’m excited that we live in a world that like I you know, at 33, I’m not an old maid of you know, and I need to have two and a half kids and a dog and a white picket fence and like a nice car in the driveway and all of this shit like I don’t, I don’t need any of that I don’t, and I don’t need specific gender roles, and I don’t need, you know, anything. And I think that we are a generation that is breaking those boundaries. And the next generations after us are like, like running away from them, like nobody’s business that I’m proud of. Yeah, and it’s very, but it is I think that we’re, we’re all taught, I would say that like women of our generation are taught like you grow up, you find a partner, you get married, you have kids, and that’s that’s what you’re supposed to do, whether you work career, whatever, blah, blah, blah, be what you want to be do what you want to do, that’s what we’ve been told by our parents. But when we are now being what we want to be and doing what we want to do, it doesn’t look like what they thought it was. And you’re okay with that. And a lot of the rest of the world is still grappling with

Brandi Douglas  

it, so they can grapple, they’ll be alright. They’ll be fine. So yeah, I honestly think it it really just truly clicked for me a year before this pandemic started. And it’s kind of continued to grow throughout the pandemic. Like being comfortable with myself.

Brandi Douglas  

Yes. So, in that, obviously, we’ve talked about having a therapist and things like that, but in that having, you know, books, media, people, any other resources that for you or others that could, you know, use those resources on their own body journey.

Brandi Douglas  

This is the hard part because I have to say, I don’t read books I do, but not Not, not those type of books. I have friends who do, and I get a lot of life lessons from them. But there’s, there’s nobody, like, I know people are gonna like the first person that comes to mind is always Lizzo. But like, it’s before her. I mean, I friggin love Lizzo absolutely love her. But and there are other people in my life who have kind of pushed that envelope before her. And they’re like, the person who truly comes to mind is my best friend Chris, Chris and Dre. Those two are my besties we are Destiny’s Child together. They have been instrumental in me seeing them transform their own body images. What they you know, Chris is somebody who will where he, they’ll show up as male presenting to a lot of people, right. And Chris is somebody who will dawn on lip gloss, who will work get braids done, and just like absolutely fucking fantastic fantabulous in them, who will get their nails done, and somebody who identifies as queer non binary, and to watch them work through that modified through that is been honest. And I actually haven’t told them this. So I’m going to do that after this conversation. You know, like, I just honestly, I’m just like, amazed by them. Anyway, they’re just a brilliant scholar. There. They take no shift from anybody. And Chris and I have known each other for 10 plus years now. And so I’ve truly seen the transformation that they’re working through. It’s just beautiful to watch. And like, I’m like, Chris can do this. I’m like, Chris can do this. This is I could do it too. Like I can really think through what I need to do. I would say also you Carly and I know you probably hear that but like specifically it’s not that Just you, and your photography, which is awesome, wonderful. And I tell everybody about you. But it’s also how you your fashion specifically, I thought about this the other day, let me tell you the story. So the other day I was very I’m gonna sit here and accept compliments and listen to you. Yeah, we’re just gonna have this. I was sitting here the other day wearing the little crop top sweater that you got us from the retreat. And I was like, I need to wear more crop tops, you know, who wears a lot of crop tops, curly, curly, wears crop tops all the time them and body suits, and it took me a while you actually got me into bodysuits. So yeah, like really good on currently. The day. I was like, Oh my gosh, I should do this more. And so this is technically a crop top that I’m wearing right now. It’s low, because champion likes to do lower Stepford double exhales. But you know, I’m about to wrap this up. But I was just like, I’m seeing crop tops at the bookstore that I were working, I should get myself a crop top. Like, why can’t I do that? I should be able to do that. They should be making crop tops in my face. Yes. I’m just like, going through this thing. And I’m just like, wait, I get this feminist like, fucking Carly, Carly. And I just love I just laid back I do, literally

Brandi Douglas  

sitting in my closet recording, and the shelf above my laptop is my crown. It’s right here. I got them all.

Brandi Douglas  

For me growing up crop tops, were not for our sizes. Yeah, they technically still. Truly, they still you got to find you got to like, go look for that shit. And so like, I’m thinking, I went I get this from I got this from you. And so thank you for that. One. Because I found a new fashion thing that I like, but also to me that like that’s the part of the media, the books, the people the fashion pieces that that you do that lizard does that Chris does that I’m seeing that is like, oh, I can do that, too. Yes, that’s what that’s coming into my mind. Oh, I can do that, too. And it’s not it’s no longer a question of should I or should I not? That makes sense. I can do that. I can do that, too. And so I would say those are the people that that have kind of helped me go into my skin in that way. Like, I do. I swear I read books about sci fi, and those types of pieces. And to be honest, I don’t watch a lot of TV that isn’t around sci fi or fantasy anymore. Because as somebody who does diversity and social justice education, I can no longer watch shows without taking a social justice lens. I’m sure oh my god, I hate it. I love it. And I hate it. Right. But I mainly just love it. I can’t I can’t do it all the time. So like shows like insecure shows, like Sex in the City shows, like those that are very, like, I would say are the types of types of shows that I probably would watch them help me around body positivity. Maybe not Sex in the City as much as insecure. I can’t watch those shows. Just like that’s too much. There’s too much I need some to escape. I need to escape from this. Oh,

Brandi Douglas  

yeah, it’s it’s it is it is what you do for work. And it is what you spend every day day in and day out. Like that, I guess I could say in the same thing, obviously, you and I connect on the level of like, we both love sci fi and fantasy, and all of these other things. And so and I think that, that for me, like you’re saying is an escape, I work obviously in the realm of bodies all day, every day. And I won’t lie, there are days that I’m drained. And it’s really hard for me to be the person boosting others up. If I’m, you know, trying to pour from an empty cup. And refilling for myself is really hard. And a lot of that I get from being able to like sit down and do something I really enjoy it which for me is reading or in the same fell swoop like Pete and I will sit down and watch Netflix. And we both love sci fi and fantasy as well. So like for me, it’s like we’re sitting down and watching the Witcher together and we’re sitting down all of these different things. Or I’m reading sci fi books or I’m reading fantasy books because these are I guess, and here’s here’s the thing is that I find about both sci fi and fantasy and a lot of like good fiction. I don’t I enjoy fiction. I just err on the side of fantasy fiction instead of just straight fiction, right? A lot of sci fi and fantasy are worlds that exist without race and exist without body image. Period. There are so many things. I mean, let’s let’s look at let’s look at Star Trek. Okay. For a brief moment, even Star Trek when it was, you know, Willy William Shatner and all of these people and they’re having these characters who are alien and nobody’s judging them based on their appearance or their anything, there’s a meme. And I want to say it’s from Star Trek. And I don’t want to say creature, but an alien of some variety. coming back and seeing the captain, and says, Oh, it’s so good to see you, my friend and their their name. And then they say, it’s this name now, which is a male. I’m talking about, I’ll see if I can find it. But like that, and then being like, it’s so good to see you, my friend with their new name, just that acceptance and that like non judgement. And I find that, again, working in I obviously don’t physically work in diversity and inclusion. But I would say I kind of do a lot of that stuff in being able to step away from that and just read and be in these universes where it’s just solved.

Brandi Douglas  

Yeah, we’re just talking about like, it’s just, it’s a non issue, or it’s evolved to something different or better, or like, because I don’t mind I’ve told this to people before, like, I don’t mind people knowing that I’m black actually want you to know that, hey, I just don’t want you to think I’m inferior because of it. That’s, that’s the piece around that. Yeah. That’s the real thing around it. Right? Like, I’m, I’m black. I’m a woman. I’m queer all day, every day. But if you think I’m inferior, because I identify as those then that your problem in I hope you solve it one day, I’m going to have to help in that, but it’s really your problem to solve.

Brandi Douglas  

So a recent book that I’ve read, and I’m actually curious if you’ve read it is A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, Becky Chambers sign highly recommend was recommended by my friend Carrie, I’ll text it to you Don’t worry

Brandi Douglas  

that texted Thank you.

Brandi Douglas  

Um, and was recommended by my friend Carrie. And Carrie was like, I really liked this. Like, we were just talking about good sci fi books. And I was like, Alright, cool. So I opened it, I’m like, three pages in and hooked. Just an amazing writing style, amazing writing style, which I obviously can appreciate. But what I love about this universe, and this world, that and it’s not even exterior from our own, it is far in the future. But, um, that Becky Chambers has created is that this is it’s literally just so factual on there is a, like an alien race separate from human that exists as like a evey period. There’s, there’s no gender. And it’s a like, I almost want to say like a Two Spirit type thing. And it’s a very interesting, but it’s just given us fact. And that is what this person or this, this aliens, they have their name, and then they go by they and all of this other stuff. And then it’s talking about, it’s talking through different sexuality of these characters, the way that the way that these different alien races speak and communicate and that interspeech some certain interspecies relationships are still frowned upon, but things like this, and how things like that are combat it. So I’m not saying that those things aren’t there and aren’t presenting. But here’s the facts. These are what these people are called this is this is they don’t have a gender or this doesn’t have whatever or is specifically a different race of aliens changes gender based on they’ll just have a feeling in their body. And I don’t want to say it’s like a lizard ish thing. They’re very amphibian ish and lizard ish, but they change from back and forth between male and female, depending on what like their rotation is where they are in their age range, if they’re carrying an egg if they’re doing these different things. And that’s just how their species is. And it’s given as like, this is what happens and people just accept it. And I was like, God, this universe is like, blowing my mind that these are just an in their transition periods. They have separate pronouns, it’s, like x i. So I don’t know if that would be CI or like, how it’s pronounced in that specifically, I almost want to like email Becky Chambers and be like, so that I can say it correctly. But you know, not they they’re not he, she but X i and X E. And so when it’s, and when you’re reading it in text, you’re like, it’s just this simple. And I wish, and I think that that is something that I love about sci fi and fantasy is they’re like, these are the facts. And this is what we’re going for, because we’re moving forward in this. And there’s, there’s so much that’s taken out of our societal constructs and then put in these other societies and I’m not saying that things aren’t still gonna have problems, but a lot of other species, magical beings interacting, and there’s, there’s no rules for that. And everybody just gets to be in existence they are and they exist, and it’s not questioned. And I think that that’s one of the things I love the most about it.

Brandi Douglas  

I do too. You got to text me that book. I want to I will,

Brandi Douglas  

I will. It was so good. And then I immediately picked up the second one from the series, which was just as phenomenal and talks about artificial intelligence as beings and talks about I mean, just so incredibly cool and like and then you know, getting a body and creating a body and how you feel and what you want it to feel like and like I was just like these concepts are amazing. And these concepts are just like giving me so much life. And, and understanding and like making me feel so good about being able to read things like this and be like God, there’s no gender in this and it’s fantastic. And they’re, you know, there’s none of these constructs that we feel like we have shoved upon ourselves. And it’s so nice. So thank you, Becky Chambers. Okay, and then my last question for you off of our sci fi and fantasy topic, my last question for you would be what advice would you give your younger self about your body and I always say this and like, your younger self can be last week, your younger self would be three years ago, or your younger self can be like middle school, high school, which I think is when we get asked that question. That’s the first like self we think is like, it’s we usually revert to like middle school self of like that changing of puberty. awkwardness, what we wish we knew.

Brandi Douglas  

David, if I knew this in middle school, yeah, I don’t think there would have changed Middle School much for me. I just be honest, I think if I if the the younger self, I immediately think of his freshmen in college brandy, who was like, you know, not I mean, Oklahoma State is in Stillwater, Oklahoma, which is where I was grew up. And so like, I’m literally down the road from my parents, but my parents wanted me to stay on campus. And it was like, yeah, it’s a different experience. It is a totally different experience. And for a bit, they were like, yes, and then they saw the bill, and they’re, like, come home, and I was like, No. And then I became an RA. And it was fine. But like, I think my body in my relationship with my body was very just sort of looking for it. I went through some things, either, like, I’ll just be honest. So I had experienced some sexual groping and harassment in college. And so I, I didn’t connect it always with my body. But I would connected with like, a how the my person is, I’m attracting these these areas, because I’m not I don’t feel that self confidence in myself and my body. Right? It’s how it came about. And so like, if I would give any advice to myself, it’s just like, Fuck those dudes you don’t need. Yeah, are you actually are capable of, of attracting yourself, the people you want. You just need to just work on yourself a little bit, like, just chill and work on you. And the rest will happen. I would say that to me yesterday, sell to just chill. Work on you. And things will happen. Like everything happened when it needs to happen. I felt like in college, I hadn’t done the things that like high school folks had done like, both by the time I got to my, my 1819 20 year old self that I felt like is the rite of passage bullshit thing to do. Right? And so like, yeah, I would just be like, girl, you just need to chill. Yeah, things will happen. We put

Brandi Douglas  

a lot of pressure on ourselves in those, like teenage years, a lot of pressure on ourselves. And there’s a lot of pressure coming from family and from society. And like, how are you going to be a productive member of capitalism?

Brandi Douglas  

Right, exactly. I was about to be edgy, I was gonna be it. elementary school teacher. And then I was like, I saw them kids, and I couldn’t do it. But

Brandi Douglas  

I could see you as a really good elementary school teacher. But I also like, I don’t think I could do I couldn’t I couldn’t handle kids that much all day, every

Brandi Douglas  

day. Well, it wasn’t so much the kids it was the the teachers who looked like the life had been drained from their faces every time I saw them. And I did not want that for my life. So I mean, I still ended up in education. Obviously,

Brandi Douglas  

I say educators are, should be paid so much, and should be given breaks and should be. I mean, they do everything for our country. And I think, I think here’s another true question that I have. It’s like, everybody, at some point has had a teacher that has changed something for them. Whether it’s because that teacher was negative, and we decided to rebel or because that teacher was so positive and pushed us in a direction we didn’t see. Even like, I honestly don’t think I would have gone to art school. If I hadn’t. My high school counselor was like, I really think you should look into this. And I was like, Penny, I don’t want to move to Georgia. And I was like, you want me to go to art school? You want me to move to Savannah, Georgia. I like what, excuse me, I was like, I want to move to New York City. I want to do all this other stuff, blah, blah, blah, I’m gonna major in fashion and she was like, I really think you should look at this school. And then I went to SCAD. So thank you, Penny Barney. Truly, truly, like people who push us in a certain direction and other teachers that I had, who were like, follow your dreams, just because they’re not the same as everybody else’s doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. And I’m so lucky that I had educators that told me that that saw that I was different. And we’re like, lean in, lean in. And I needed that. I think we all need that in general. Yeah. But I think everybody has had a teacher who has influenced them in some way, shape or form. And educators deserve so much more on they absolutely

Brandi Douglas  

do actually emailed my favorite teacher the other day, because I saw a Facebook post about like, you know, who’s your favorite new who’s that one teacher who really inspired you? And I talked about Mr. keynotes, well, now Dr. keynotes, and I was like, I wonder if he’s what he’s doing. I found him on LinkedIn. And I emailed him. And like, as like, you probably don’t remember me because you were old. Um, he actually did. And he, like, was so happy that he got an email from me and that I you know, talking about taking compliments, like he was really touched by by that, and I was like, Oh, snap. So if you have a favorite teacher, educator in the living, please reach out to them like, it’ll absolutely make their day.

Brandi Douglas  

Yes, I love that. I love that. Brandy, my love. Thank you so much for coming on and chatting with me. This has been wonderful. So wonderful. I feel like we could do a whole other cast episode just about like, work in diversity and inclusion. Absolutely. Because I feel like I feel like we talked about it, but we didn’t like talk about it.

Brandi Douglas  

Like we could have gone real deep. And we would have never got to anything else.

Brandi Douglas  

We would have never gotten to like in Star Trek universe, right?

Brandi Douglas  

I mean, technically, we probably would have because I would have brought it up. But it’s true. It’s true. You can have me back anytime currently,

Carly Someplace  

I would love to have you back anytime. I love it so much, Brandy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so much for listening to someplace for everybody. If you love this episode, would you mind leaving me a review in your favorite podcast app and subscribe to the show. If you’re looking for a community to love on you and support you and your self love Journey, come join our all gender Facebook group someplace for everybody which can be found in the show notes at someplace for everybody.com Until we meet again. Be kind to yourself.