Episode 019: A Male Perspective: Body Positivity with Peet van Kruyssen

It was just a matter of time before I brought my boyfriend Peet on the show to share about body positivity and self-image from a male perspective—today is that day. While I’ve had a variety of conversations on the show with my female friends, I know just how important this topic is for all genders. Peet joins us to talk about inclusivity for men in clothing, the unrealistic expectations that Hollywood puts on men, and how he’s found comfort in his own body!

Review the Show Notes:

Self-Image (2:34)

Middle & High School in the Early 2000s (4:01)

Body Image in Your 30’s (7:31)

Inclusivity for Men in the Fashion Industry (8:20)

Unrealistic Expectations for Men Set In Hollywood (15:24)

What Young Boys Are Taught About Body (25:21)

Inclusivity by Savage x Fenty (22:23)

Finding Comfort in Your Own Body (23:52)

Becoming Strong (29:24)

Love is Blind (37:11)

Height in Relationships (43:12)

Being in Touch with Your Emotions (53:09)

Influences (58:15)

Advice to Younger Self (1:01:28)

Red Hair (1:03:35)

Review the Transcript:

Carly Someplace
Welcome to some place for everybody where we talk about belonging and being a human in our bodies and living in and learning to love our bodies. I’m your host, Carly someplace. This podcast is brought to you by someplace Images, Boudoir for everybody, you can see the full show notes at some place for everybody.com. Now, let’s change some self perspectives

Carly Someplace
Hi, y’all, it’s Carly someplace. And I’m so incredibly excited to introduce you to my boyfriend. The lovely, wonderful, amazing Peet van Kruyssen is joining me today. And we’re going to talk about body positivity, you know, something that I talk about all the time that Pete gets to hear about all the time, but what I really want to do is I want to have an extremely different perspective. And I want to be able to talk about body positive from a male and female perspective. So, my dear, is there any other accolades you would like to give yourself besides my boyfriend, and absolutely amazing, and obviously, being a male perspective for all of this?

Peet
I mean, I don’t think I really have any particular accolades that stand out for this category. That’s

Carly Someplace
true. Pete is also a chef, he’s an amazing hard worker in so many ways. He is I’m hoping, eventually going to own a food truck and be a restaurant tear. He’s wonderful in so many aspects. But yeah, I guess in the world of body positivity, and nor business or any of those things, you’re very normal at the moment. Okay, so I mean, let’s, let’s chat, these are things that we talk about in our relationship and subjects that you get to hear me talk about on a very regular basis. So this isn’t really a new subject for you. But obviously, talking about it publicly is a very different thing than when you and I talk about it privately. So I guess just like, talk about yourself a little bit and tell us where your experiences with body positivity. And being a man comes in and like what you’ve kind of experience with that relationship with the media and that relationship with? I mean, we’ll say, the media itself and body image and then on that social media, which you don’t use, but But I mean, I know that we all see it. So

Peet
yeah, I mean, I’ve always kind of had self image issues. Since I was young, I, I kind of end up in the same boat, as you were even at a young age, it was my grandparents would kind of, you know, be the same thing will suck in your belly don’t You don’t need this, they don’t need to see that, like, you know, that just carried on for years when I was younger. And you know, that kind of developed into body positivity issues when I was younger, especially going into high school. I mean, the big, the biggest example that comes to mind is when I was in high school, there was a girl I had been talking to for a few weeks, and I had asked her to the winter dance. And she said, How about you lose 20 pounds before you talk to me? What? Yeah, she she told me to my face looked me in the eyes and said, Why don’t you lose 20 pounds before you talk to me. At the time, I was probably 160 pounds, almost six feet. I was running five miles a day. Like this was in the height of wrestling season like I was in good shape. And she told me to lose 20 pounds before I talked to her about dating. And yeah, I mean, it, obviously was something impactful enough that we’re here talking about it. 15 years later. Yeah. I don’t remember who it was. But yeah, I mean, that’s stuff that just takes an impact on your body positivity. And, you know, I’ve always just kind of struggled with it.

Carly Someplace
And self image in general. And yeah, I mean, High School is a terrible Yeah, well, high school are terrible. Like, let’s not get ourselves. I think that I think that a lot of shame that people carry around their bodies in general probably comes from that time period. And specifically, you and I, I mean, we were in middle school in the early 2000s. When if you didn’t look like

Peet
Justin Timberlake. Yeah, I

Carly Someplace
was gonna say Justin Timberlake, I was gonna say unsink but yeah, but yeah, if you didn’t look like those celebrities, if you didn’t, I mean, as a girl, it was those super the style was the super super low, like hip hugger jeans, which we both know I have a booty and that that just doesn’t fit in those type of jeans. Like there’s no way on the face of the planet I could ever have worn something thing like that without it being extremely inappropriate. And, and it was that plus, you know, like a micro top, aka now a crop top, which is far more acceptable now and a lot of people are far more accepting of their bodies

Peet
back then it was even less than a crop top it was, you know, the string on the back essentially?

Carly Someplace
Pretty much. Yeah, it was, the style has changed quite a bit that is for sure. But I think I think that middle school and high school are generally really rough periods for everybody and but at the same time, like super formative years, for how we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, the examples we see of other people’s bodies, the examples we see of like, those ideals that people give us like that is I think that when I discuss this with anybody, people always come back to those like, formative junior high and high school times of like, what, how we really started to form our own opinions of our bodies. And I mean, it makes sense. Like, that’s, particularly when hormones become raging and you care what the opposite sex thinks of you, or you know, you’re struggling with your body and wanting it to feel attractive and wanting it to be all of these different things. But that’s just such an inappropriate comment. And yeah, like you said, obviously, it’s something that stuck with you for long enough that we’re discussing it now.

Peet
Yeah, no, I mean, that’s just that whole time period was just very difficult on my body positivity. And I mean, especially doing like wrestling, like you’re around other guys who are extraordinarily fit. Just all the time. And, you know, in a weird way, you know, they’re all not very close.

Carly Someplace
Right. Uniforms are quite the, I don’t really understand them, but okay.

Peet
Yeah, I mean, it’s, I understand why they, they’re used, but yes, I mean, it’s, it’s something that they’re even changing now, like if kids aren’t comfortable with it, or don’t want to be seen in it, then they can there’s alternative uniforms now, but

Carly Someplace
that’s good. What do you mean, letting kids have like control over what they choose to wear on their body? What a concept?

Peet
Yeah.

Carly Someplace
But yeah, I mean, high school is honestly just a terrible time. Middle school as well, for everybody with their bodies and how how we move through the world and how much it affects us now. But so now being in your 30s, like, I think that there’s probably a bit of a difference that you have body image wise, I mean, I obviously know that I have quite a big difference of how I view myself compared to middle school. But yeah, I mean, let’s, let’s talk about it. And let’s talk about, I guess, just experience of, I feel like this current body positivity movement, which I hate calling it that, because it’s so much more than that. It’s just, it’s finally getting people to just accept that bodies are all different sizes, and all different shapes. But I think that it really is catering more to women. And I know you’ll have opinions on that. So I would really like to hear them.

Peet
Well. I mean, some big examples that I mean, even we’ve had together recently was like when Old Navy announced that, oh, my god, we’re gonna have all clothes and all sizes for all people in store and you were excited. You’re excited, I was excited. We both drove down there together, and we got there and they had nothing for bigger guys, I couldn’t get my shoulders in anything at all in the whole store. And, you know, it’s it’s really cool to see that they’re inclusive for all the all the women, you know, but we drove, we drove all the way down there together. And they did not have anything above an XL for men.

Carly Someplace
Right? I mean that the same could be said of us going and shopping at Target. I mean, we were on vacation in Portland, and we went into Target and I was so frustrated because I had bought you a pair of target pants that were your size, and you could barely get them past your size. And so when we went to Target I was like, okay, then what size do you actually wear in Target’s brand of things. And

Peet
I think the final verdict was three sizes bigger,

Carly Someplace
I think it was three sizes bigger on the on pants, it was two sizes, bigger on shorts, and three sizes bigger on pants, which doesn’t make any sense because there’s same freakin brand. Same cuts, same everything. But even in the capacity of like, you have to order your T shirts from target that you love online as well because they don’t carry them in store. And they have a plus section for women in store but they don’t have a plus section for men in store. And I think that that’s just not great. Yeah.

Peet
I mean, you even see it like, I mean, the clothing world is probably my best example. because, you know, when we even go to Kohl’s it’s like there’s one rack of men’s, big and tall clothing. Right? versus, you know, a whole section for women. And it’s just, it’s so frustrating to buy to dry, try to buy clothes that fit at all just add period like my shoulders, my height, my, you know anything just to find clothing that fits my fucking body. And it’s like I’m not, it makes me feel like I’m this massive outlier that I just don’t get to partake in going clothes shopping, I have to go to a specialty store to buy clothes.

Carly Someplace
Yeah, and that’s, I mean, you and I’ve had that discussion before of like, that’s, I mean, that’s really what toward was for women when it became this, like big thing of like, Oh, if you’re a bigger girl, you can go buy clothes at torrid. And, and for you. I mean, we had to go to D XL, even just to find dress shirts, but then we get there and where you’re a 2x in some places, and a 1x. And other places, you were like a normal extra large there. And it’s just the sizing is so often I mean, that’s the same with me. I mean, I’ll wear I mean, you know, I just ordered clothes from Sheehan. And I got them and I ordered two pairs of jeans and the exact same size. Literally one of them is black denim, and the other one is regular denim, and the black ones don’t fit. And they’re the exact same thing and the exact same size. And it is so incredibly frustrating. Like they won’t even go past. Like the top of my thighs. It’s not even like, oh, they don’t fit like It’s like they don’t fit. And it’s so incredibly just unnerving to have to shop in specific places for clothing. It doesn’t make you feel like an outlier instead of just being able to have to walk in and buy something. And I think that that’s something that a lot of people who exist in street sizes have just never had a struggle with. That’s I mean, that’s something why I love websites like Shin, regardless of the fact that they’re somewhat terrible. I mean, they’re terrible for the environment. There’s so many that a lot of the fashion industry is terrible for the environment, let’s just take note of that. But like, in particular, she offers clothes in my size, I can buy things and feel great and sexy and wonderful. When I put them on my body and I I’ve watched you have that same experience when we went to go try on clothes, and then you’re like, Oh, this is too big for me, oh, this is too big for me like that size down. I really like this, I have so many options, or I have you know, so many different whatever, when we’re in a store that caters to sizing that makes us you know, feel included, but it is its own store. And that’s a whole other like, kind of like mental game when it comes to it. And it does it makes you feel like such an outlier.

Peet
Yeah, no. And I mean, what was it shields the other day, I found one item that fit me in the whole store realist, right, you know, yeah.

Carly Someplace
Right. And I mean, we were trying on, you know, normal brands, and then being able to and you said, no, okay, let’s go upstairs. And we walked into the Carhartt section, because their sizing is consistent. And their sizing is like you straight across were the same size and every single thing and you know, you can order that size and it’s going to fit, it’s not going to fit differently from one style to the next. It’s not going to fit differently. It’s going to be okay, lengthwise, it’s going to be okay, width wise, it’s going to fit your shoulders Well, it’s gonna sit well on you. And I think that and it’s so funny that I look at Carhartt is that brand being like, okay, cool. Like you’ve got your shit together. And you can just like create a consistent size and Carhart outfits. I mean, think about it, so many people, so many people in any type of work, whatever. Carhartt is the go to brand. And I think that like so much more of men’s fashion could just like take a leaf out of their frickin book.

Peet
Yeah, and I mean, even there, it’s not even that their sizing is consistent. It’s just not when you go to a store and you’re like, oh, wow, cool. A two XL and then it’s like a slim fit. Like, narrows down to like, like how many football players are walking in here and are just built and need a two XL, like ultra slim fit? We’re carhart’s Like, yeah, we’re catering to you know, if we’re going to make it fit more people than like, it doesn’t need to be ultra slim fit. Like they just kind of understand the premise that like, big dudes aren’t all football players. I guess I don’t you know where I don’t know where this ultra cut in. taper. Look is you know,

Carly Someplace
wide shoulders and itty bitty waist.

Peet
Yeah, they they call it like the Dorito look or something because Yeah. But yeah, okay.

Carly Someplace
I mean, there’s There’s the like, hip V. When you get Yeah.

Peet
Yeah, no, but But it’s like a V from your shoulders to down like your shoulders are supposed to be x wider than your waist. And like, that’s such a small percentage. You know, that was an article I read that was super interesting was actually in Vanity Fair of all places. Okay, it was they were interviewing a Kumal nun. Gianni, I think is how it’s pronounced. He was he was in internals, and he’s been like, he’s an Indian actor, and he’s been a comedian for a long time.

Carly Someplace
Yeah. Okay. I remember him. I enjoyed him. Yeah.

Peet
Yeah. So he to get fit for his role in eternals. He got into you know, superhero shape. He got that superhero, shredded look. And it was interesting, because in the interview, he said, quote, I pulled it up. So like quotas, I would not have been able to do this if I didn’t have a full year with the best trainers and nutritionist paid for by the biggest studio in the world. I’m glad I looked like this. But I also understand why I never did before it would have been impossible. Without these resources. Like, you know, a lot of it especially since the whole Marvel released like, a lot of the body image that’s been put on men is you know, Chris Hemsworth

Carly Someplace
is gonna say, you gotta look like Thor. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and so and we recently since we recently, ish, I guess we watched the entire Marvel Cinematic timeline in timeline order. And I I think it’s really interesting to even just from the perspective of bodies to watch the first versions like when you watch the first Captain America and when you watch the word the first Thor and you and you like, like they’re buff, and they’re fit but they’re not like an obviously when you’re talking about Chris Evans, in his transformation in the first Captain America, obviously they like CGI him from being super scrawny kid to being like, built in muscled, but that’s just his regular body. When you get into those later movies like Chris Hemsworth is, like, in Thor he like Ragnarok he is like, unreal. On Yeah.

Peet
And I mean, I people don’t even understand that. That’s cuz, like, did you ever see Did you hear the whole Jason Momoa thing that happened? I don’t think so. Oh, so Jason Momoa got fucking body shamed, like two days. It was it was a big ordeal because he, like, months after Aqua Man came out. He was he was on the beach. And he doesn’t like the picture. He doesn’t look bad. But he doesn’t have like a super cut defined six pack. Right. And like, people don’t understand that on the day of shoots where they have their shirt off. They are dehydrated, they probably haven’t eaten for 24 hours. They are they’re performing bodybuilder tactics to get that look to make it look like they are so Ultra ripped. And it’s just like, they’re not healthy when they when they look like that. They’re,

Carly Someplace
they’re, they’re using it to shoot specific scenes. And, and I mean, from my perspective, like there’s such a like, like imagery and obviously film magic, that lighting is everything. And you know like greasing people up in baby oil does a lot for like, fighting abs when you put the right light on it and, and things like this, but like I Yeah, it is it’s it’s very akin to bodybuilding. What those quote unquote superheroes are doing. In those, those specific scenes where they’re not wearing, you know, their, their superhero uniform or whatever. And like, when they’re actually you’re right in those like shirtless scenes of pretty much being like cool, let’s dehydrate let’s do all of this other stuff. My nutritionist said to do these things in order to show off all of these muscles. And that’s that is what bodybuilders do is that they, they do all of this other stuff. And it’s just their, their intake becomes so different from what is his normal life. And it’s not that they’re not honestly fucking ripped in real life, too. It’s just that, that dehydration and I don’t want to say starvation, but it kind of is, comes into the factor of like, this is how you define these muscles, especially under specific lighting.

Peet
Yeah, no, it’s it’s, I mean, if you see the I can send you the picture just so you can reference it. We can

Carly Someplace
we can link it in the show notes. We can link it so that everybody can see it right.

Peet
But it’s just unreal. And just like, like when I saw it, I was like, Oh my God, if that Dad Bod, what the fuck? Like, how am I ever gonna compete? Right? Because they’re they everyone was calling him, you know, Dad Bod or whatever online and it was this big Twitter thing for like, a month and. And I was like, Oh my god.

Carly Someplace
So can I ask like, what does? What does that do to your psyche? Like that’s, that’s a whole different thing. And I mean, obviously, I guess, obviously I come from the perspective of like being a woman and we’ve been having it shoved down our throats, that we have to be a specific body type our entire lives. But I guess that I see that it does that for men, but it hasn’t really crossed my mind. Maybe I’m more open minded than other people. But I don’t know. I mean, there’s, there’s so much to unpack in that of like, what you said, you know, if that’s a DadBod then what? What am I and what is, you know, everything like that. And I mean, I will say for the record that I think you have the sexiest legs? You do? I think that I mean, your calves are super muscley. And like, your thighs are just wonderful. And you bike and you mountain bike and you I mean, you have super, super strong legs and super strong arms and like, I obviously find you attractive, you’re my boyfriend so.

Peet
Yeah, no, and I think it doesn’t get noticed a lot though, that it is paralleled with guys that they are from a young age taught this is how guys are supposed to look like, you know, girls get Barbie dolls. We get key man, we get Captain America we get you know, Thor Hulk, like these are all images that young boys are given that this is what real men look like. And that’s kind of what you have to know. Yeah, all you know, it’s we’re fed the same thing on the other side of the mirror and we just don’t get it. Great, you know. And I think I think that there is a difference in awakening of seeing like all these things changing for for women in the last three, four or five years we’re starting to see a bigger push but I don’t you know, we don’t see a bigger GI Joe we’re not going to see a bigger Captain America.

Carly Someplace
Right. So and I do want to reference so I had showed you it floated around Twitter for a while and it’s definitely been a Facebook post that has surfaced and that I’ve shared in my Facebook group playing my women’s only Facebook group a couple different times. But the when savage X Fenty. So Rihanna is line started releasing things for men and they put out boxers and you know, just different things like this. And the just the images on their website. And the models that Rihanna uses are all different body types. And I showed you the entire thread and then the the comments that were on the thread of women, just I guess appreciating a body type similar to yours. And, and if I can find the thread link, we’ll put it in the show notes. But it when I handed that to you, and you read it and you read the comments, I could see you being like, I didn’t know this existed. And I didn’t know that that many women found this body type that attractive until it’s literally being displayed on the internet. And people are like, Oh my God, yes. And, and this whole, you know, a thing around that and and I could see what an impact just that inclusivity on one website.

Peet
Yeah, cuz I mean, if you look at if you look at any, like, there’s definitely a lag behind because like, if you look at any of the the male models for any of the clothing, like even a DSL, right, every every guy that’s on the wall in there is like just, he’s probably like six, eight in 300 pounds because he’s just ripped and that’s classified as dx l like, right? What? I guarantee you there is that is the smaller portion of people who are shopping at your store, right? It’s not football player after football player after football player, like just walking through the door. It’s it’s gonna be normal people who have a bit of a belly, they’re bigger they’d need, you know, like, that’s way more normal than these guys who are paid to work out. We’re paid to work out for 40 plus hours a week like Yeah, it’s so you know, it’s even. It’s tough to see that like it’s like That’s it. I, yeah, it is

Carly Someplace
tough to see that. And I think that, I think that it’s a slower change for sure. For men, but I do think that it’s happening, I think that there’s, there’s consciousness around. You know, I like, I don’t want to describe the body positivity movement as like women being in an uproar, but like, we’re finally finding our voice around our bodies and realizing that it doesn’t matter. And I think that, I think that it’s interesting too, because there’s a lot of, obviously in in my work and being a boudoir photographer, I have a lot of people come in and say, you know, I’m not confident in my body, my partner loves it. My partner, you know, worships the ground that I walk on and worships my body and thinks it’s the sexiest thing on the face of the planet, but I don’t see it. And and there’s a lot of shift in self perspective. And one of the things that I say to my clients all the time is like, when I’m showing them their images, and they’re just so astounded, and they’re like, oh, my god, is that me, and I feel so sexy, and I feel so incredible. They’re, they’re looking at that, and I’m like, I’m just gonna throw it out there. This is probably what your husband, wife, partner, whomever you’re with, this is what they see. And you don’t see it, because it really takes somebody else showing it to you. But like, to have somebody pretty much be like, Yeah, this is, this is what your husband sees, or like, this is what your wife sees, and, and really, like, appreciates, and why they tell you all the time that you’re sexy, and you’re beautiful, and you’re hot. And you’re all of these things. And like, I mean, even when we come into like language, like I I just remember in high school, like one of the girls that I went to high school with, like sitting on this guy’s lap, and I was like, well, that’s not something I’m ever gonna fuckin do. Because like, I’m bigger, I would squish him like I would have, I would have these conversations with myself that it was like, that’s not anything I’m ever gonna be able to do. And, and nobody’s gonna call me hot, because I don’t look like that. And, and I think that it’s taken shit. Like, what? 20 years? 20 years to undo those thoughts?

Peet
Yeah, no, it’s something I definitely still struggle with. I didn’t really find any body positivity in myself until, you know, I went to the gym and got really strong and felt that I had some value in my strength in my whatever. And that’s when I started to find my body positivity. And I found a good group of friends that, you know, encouraged me and told me how great I look. And it was just such a different experience. And even now, like, my friend, Ian is so encouraging and positive and Damn, dude, you look good. Like, I like the new hairstyle. I like the new whatever. Like, just to hear that from another person. Because I mean, you say stuff like that all the time. But when it comes from an outside source that you don’t hear it from every day, I’m your girlfriend. It’s

Carly Someplace
kind of expected. I mean, I guess I guess it isn’t, it isn’t. I mean, I, we’ve had this discussion a lot lately in in so many aspects that, like you, you are the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. And, and I do compliment you all the time. And you compliment me all the time. But I also don’t, I’m not just telling you. Hi, I think you’re cute, because I think you need to hear it. Like I genuinely think that and feel that. And I think that I mean, relationships are a whole other subject. We could probably do a whole podcast episode on that big. But I think that having having somebody who is encouraging and things and on I mean, you answered my my first question that I asked people of that when I interview them, of you know, one, when did you really come into your own and start to feel more comfortable in your body and so it’s in it was when you found your gym, and you know, you got to I really enjoyed that you said Be strong.

Peet
Yeah. Because I mean, I’ve struggled with weight my whole life and a lot of that and I know you know this, but a lot of that comes down to I have a thyroid problem that the doctors just can’t figure out. I spent three years getting monthly blood tests and this and that and poked and prodded and they just couldn’t figure out they said you have this problem, but we don’t know how to deal with it or what it even is so sorry, you know, so sorry. And it’s you know, I at my fittest I was Cycling 30 miles a day, I was at the gym for two hours a day. And I still would not be defined as you know, even like, you know, I would I still did not have that superhero body type that is what is expected. And I, you know, a lot of my confidence came from, you know, lifting a small car on a barbell like

Carly Someplace
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I can, I can say that when I was in CrossFit and I had my personal trainer and I got to just like, have have that and be strong. And when I was like, easily deadlifting, a couple 100 pounds, and, you know, no problem, to feel strong is an entirely different thing than to feel I don’t want to say skinny because like, I don’t want to generalize that body type, but in the, in the height of me being diagnosed with my ulcerative colitis. And like in the very beginning of working on getting that diagnosis and being sick and having having my body changed so rapidly because it was, my body was not well, is that I, for the first time in my life was like, what people would consider sort of skinny, I guess, I don’t know, I still had but, but I but I look at photos. Okay, I look at photos, there’s very few photos of me from that time, because I was so incredibly, I like, sickly and like, really not confident in my body, even though it was the smallest I’ve ever been. And I remember, I don’t know if I’ve ever told this story publicly, I remember going to a party with my brother and two of my friends. And this was like, so this would have been my, between my freshman and sophomore years of college. And I had lost about 50 pounds in six or seven weeks, which is extremely unhealthy. My body was I was extremely sick at that point. And I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And I didn’t have a diagnosis. And I didn’t know what was going on. And I was 19 and having a really hard time articulating that I was in pain all of the time, and my body was rebelling against me. And it’s like, it’s a really uncomfortable subject to talk about your bowel movements with people and like, different things like that. And so I went to a party at a friend’s house when I came home from college and I went to college in Georgia. And so nobody really saw me so so like, I got to like, spend time with friends or do whatever. And I came home and I remember going to a party. And my brother Garrett went with me. And we walked into the party and this guy that I’d had this like, on again off again thing with for like, close to a decade at that point was like walked up to me and was like, You look phenomenal. And I just stopped where I was. And I was like, Okay, I was like Excuse me and I turned around and I like walked back we weren’t my friends one of my friends houses and I walked back down the hallway towards the front door to go to like their, their little half bathroom. And I like walked into the half bathroom and like go to close the door because like it just he’d never said anything like that, to me in an entire decade of it being this like on again off again, flirting thing, whatever, like it had gone on from middle school until a few years post college and like, there was a lot going on with that. And, and for him for the first time to announce out loud that I looked good. And I had because I was so incredibly sick. And I was so skinny. And I don’t want to say skinny in a derogatory way. But like, for me, I was incredibly skinny. My body was not the same as it had been in high school or in anything. And so I walked into that bathroom because I just was so sick and I was so upset that it took me being that sick to get a compliment from him. And, and I go to close the door and my brother like shoved into the bathroom because Garrett knew what was going on. And he comes into the bathroom. And he shuts the door and he’s like, he’s a fucking asshole. What’s the first thing my brother said to me? He’s like, he’s a fucking asshole. He’s like that is he’s like you are sick. And that doesn’t mean that his compliments mean anything. He’s like, I know you’re sick. I know you don’t feel well. I know that we’re probably going to leave early tonight because you don’t feel well. And he’s like it is an entirely inappropriate for him to compliment you like that in front of everybody. When people know that you’re second you don’t have a diagnosis. And, and that really stuck with me like that probably sticks out to me is like a really defining moment in, in a lot of things that like just because I was finally, quote unquote unacceptable, like literally like BMI was an acceptable BMI for my height, which is bullshit anyways. But like I and I went into the bathroom just to cry because apparently I wasn’t good enough until I was that small. And I wasn’t worthy of a compliment like that until I was that small. And, and it took me being incredibly sick. To be that small and Garrett was like, This is bullshit sis, and you don’t need to listen to that, and you don’t need to. And I, I have so much pride and respect for my brother for recognizing all of that happening in that moment. And, and walking after me and being like, this isn’t acceptable. And you, you know that. And I mean, I won’t ever forget that feeling. It’s just crazy in general.

Carly Someplace
I mean, I guess like side story, but also Yeah, like,

Peet
I get it because like when I first started going to the gym, and I lost all that weight, like, there was a girl at my job that I had had feelings for. But she had blown me off. So I just wrote her off. And until I had lost weight and was, you know, literally, I like borderline became addicted to working out. And it wasn’t until that point. She’s like, hey, so did you want to grab that drink? And I’m like, No, fuck you. If you don’t think if you didn’t want me, then you don’t get me now. Like, you know, it’s great.

Carly Someplace
And I think that we’re just taught that there’s so much intrinsic worth tied to our bodies. And it’s really not that in so many ways, like it’s not that

Peet
it doesn’t have to be your death that you’re defining factor in your life. It really seems like it’s that way for a lot of people still.

Carly Someplace
Okay, so I just convince you to watch really trashy TV with the past 48 hours. So we were watching the second season of love is blind. And I love you because you were a very patient man. And you accepted the fact that I was dedicated. Even though you were like, this is terrible, which it is. It’s fine. I love the social experiment part of it. But watching the second season of love is blind and like spoiler if anybody’s not watched it, but the shake, the Indian guy is like, such a douche. And he keeps talking about how he’s not physically attracted to Deepti even though she’s gorgeous, and he’s like, I just don’t have this like, animalistic, like, want to have sex with her. I connect with her on a soul level. But like, I’m not attracted to her. So why would I marry her? And I’m like, do you hear yourself? Do you hear you? Do you hear yourself saying this woman is everything I’ve wanted? This woman is whatever but like because I don’t want to like pounce on her every five seconds. I can’t marry her.

Peet
Yeah, he I mean, he really comes off that like because she’s not a supermodel. It’s not it’s not right for him. And

Carly Someplace
I mean, he was like that in the beginning and like you missed it a little bit in the beginning because I started watching it without you but like, because I didn’t expect you to watch it with me. I guess it’s really the answer to that. But he was like, in the pods of love is blind. He was like, I mean, like, could I put you on my shoulders at a music festival? Like he was pretty much asking people what they weighed. And like, really super into that like self image. And like, just image of people at the very beginning and I was like, Dude, you’re fucking gross. Like, you’re missing the point here of this entire experiment. And and the thing is that like, at the end of the day, like truly, I mean, let’s talk about it in a relationship way our bodies fluctuate and change and I don’t think that that’s a bad thing. But I also don’t think it should be a grounds for falling out of love or or deciding that you love a person or that you want to be around a person like that is so incredibly superficial and it has nothing to do with character and soul and, and I don’t want to be like inner beauty but like truly like truly,

Peet
yeah, if you if if you tie your value to someone’s appearance Like, you’re going to end up alone, because like, we all age, like, oh god, yeah. You know, who knows what he’s even gonna look like in 10 years? You know? And if you’re putting all your chips in this boat of like, well, you know, people need to look a certain way. Like, it’s just so toxic, like to not understand. And, you know, I will say that attraction is a part of a relationship, like, I think, I think that needs to be there. But I don’t think you need to tie your whole relationship around that.

Carly Someplace
Right? Because like, I don’t know, there’s, there’s such a part of me that’s like, like, so what happens if, if the person if you if you intrinsically tie value to appearance, what happens if the person you’re you love is in a car accident and gets a massive scar on their face? What happens if you, you know, I don’t know, any random scenario, that’s not just like life and existing and eating good food and gaining weight and whatever. But like, what, so you’re going to leave that person, you’re going to leave that person? Because they’re not the same anymore? Like, that’s, I don’t know. I mean, that’s, that’s why I consider it trash TV. It really is. But but it really, I think that that that portion of body positivity, and the movement of, of body positivity for men is so much slower coming. In so many ways. Part of it comes in from Have you seen the video? I’m sure you have. I’m sure you have the video. And it’s like this guy who like this guy who was interviewing people on the beach, and they’re like, What do you want in a partner? Or like, what do you want? Like, somebody showed you this video? You know, you did? I’ve seen it before, but like you showed me this video and send me the link to it if you can, so we can put it in the show notes so that people can look at it. But like, this guy’s like, you know, she’s like, oh, I want somebody. I don’t even remember what she said. But she was like, Oh, somebody’s fit. And this and this. And this, like she goes on and like she makes like less

Peet
fit tall. Right? Good looking. But also like, yeah, good money. And then the, the, he asked the guy the same question

Carly Someplace
in and he was and yeah, and he was like, he was like, she needs to be like, you know, curvy in the right places. And like, look like a dime all the time. And blah, blah, blah, blah. And the girl was like, Oh, your body shaming. And he’s like, tell me what you just did, then, like, tell me that you didn’t just throw out the same set of standards. Either way, for bodies, and it’s so incredibly true. It’s so incredibly true. So this is a conversation that you and I had the other night knowing that we were going to record together. So I’ll bring it up again, because I think it’s a really big thing in I’m going to say one dating and two bodies in general his height. And I know I’m just gonna let you talk about it.

Peet
Yeah, that’s

Carly Someplace
about it, guys. I know your videos.

Peet
I that’s something that is such a big trend is especially with like online dating and everything his guys just get shunned for not making that six foot mark. Like the six foot mark apparently is the dateable height. And that is not that’s not something guys can control. That’s not something guys can go to the gym and work on that’s not like, that’s not even like a fit or anything that is what they are born with. That is what they are given and they cannot change that at all. And let’s, you know, I just I feel so bad for my friend because he’s he’s five, six. And he he’s, I mean, he’s a good looking guy. He’s incredibly in shape. And he cannot find a date at all because they will not look past the fact that he is five six.

Carly Someplace
And I just think that’s ridiculous. Because I want to say like the average height of women is like five foot four or something like that.

Peet
Yeah, so like if you’re looking for six foot tall guy like it’s an ongoing joke on the internet of like, oh, you’re five to looking for some guy that’s six foot like what do you want to do you need you want to walk around with a stepladder all day. Like I don’t understand why. Why do you feel that you need to be dating somebody who’s six foot like that’s such a that’s such an unreal body standard that people are chasing. And I I mean I’m gonna look it up right now but I don’t even think that’s the average height in America.

Carly Someplace
I don’t think so either. I honestly don’t think so either. And I think it’s like, I don’t know, it’s hard because like, I, I mean, I dated quite a few people before I dated you. I know, you know that. So it’s not anything revealing. But it’s like, I mean, I, I went on a date with a guy and he was like, you know, I’m short. Right? And I was like, Yeah, I don’t really care. Like, it really isn’t a big deal. And he was like, Okay, and so, but he was like, Oh, I’m five, six. And I was like, great. Me too. Like, I don’t care for the same height, that really doesn’t bother me. And then when I got to our date, he was not five, six, because I, I am solidly five foot six. And I know that he was probably five foot four. Again, I don’t care, but like, be honest, like, I’m not whatever. And when it came down to it, like one of my friends was like, Okay, did you not go on a second date with him? Because he was short? Or did you not go on a second date with him for another reason? I said, No, I didn’t go on a second date with him because he was kind of a douchebag. Like, it had nothing to do with his height. But like, but it’s also I hate that men. I hate that men feel like they can’t be honest about their height on a dating app. Because they feel like they’re going to be shunned. And I’ve had this conversation with my friend Nate a couple different times, because he and I technically met on Bumble, we matched on Bumble and then just became really, really, really good friends. He is one of my very good guy friends. I absolutely love and adore him. And then in the entire spectrum of us, like, dating, not each other. But obviously like dating other people. He’s been one of my closest friends that it’s like, you know, how are we navigating this? How are we feeling about this? And when I the first time I sat down and had a beer with him in person, and besides us just like chatting on the internet. He was like, he’s like, I feel like I can’t get a date because I’m 510 Yeah, not even because I’m five, six. He’s like, because I’m not six foot, like girls won’t talk to me. And I was like, Are you kidding me? Like, Nate’s a good looking dude. Like, he’s a skinny little rock climber. And he’s totally not my type. I was like, Oh, you’re cute, but like, the reason I match with him is I was like, Oh, you build tiny homes. I’m buying an Airstream? Yeah, um, and I was like, I want to talk to you. And like, he’s, he’s definitely a good looking dude. Like, he’s got a great smile. And he’s wonderful. And like, he’s got rock climber arms, and they’re fabulous. But like, he’s like, I can’t get dates, because I’m not six foot. And I was like, That’s bullshit, complete bullshit. And like, like you said, it’s not something that’s controllable. Yeah.

Peet
And I mean, six foot is apparently looking at the data here. A very unrealistic goal, because the average height in the tallest countries in the world is not even six foot.

Carly Someplace
Okay. Okay, so what’s what, what are the tallest countries in the world, Norway and Sweden,

Peet
Denmark, in the Netherlands are five foot and a half inches. And that’s the

Carly Someplace
average height,

Peet
that is the average height. And so you’re looking for a six foot tall guy, you’re looking for above average worldwide, what insane thing to have a standard on,

Carly Someplace
truly. And I think that it’s just like, from a female perspective, I think that that, like want of somebody taller than you really comes from being told as a woman our entire lives that we need to be smaller. And I think that that is the type of thing that if we can’t control it, weight wise, we can control it, I guess in who we date, height wise, to feel small, just to feel smaller than you. And that doesn’t make it right. But I think that that’s where so it’s fucked up on both sides of the spectrum is really where that comes from. It’s completely fucked up. Because we are told we need to be smaller, feel smaller, exists being smaller. And in that, one thing that we can pick is people who are taller than us who automatically just by differentiation of height are going to make us feel smaller. It’s that’s so fucked up. Like, I don’t have any better words for it is it’s just it’s just so fucked up. Like,

Peet
it really is. And I mean, it’s, it sucks for everybody involved, I guess, you know? Yeah. But, I mean, I hope that people can change their perspective on that because that is just such a trashy reason to not want to date someone. Like I can understand. I could understand wanting to find somebody taller than you or you know, as a guy shorter than you but but having to cross that threshold of six foot is like, insane,

Carly Someplace
right. And I think that the standard for the six foot thing is absolutely terrible. But I also bet like, just taller than you, it’s like, I can’t even tell you how many friends that I have that are like, under five for a lot, a lot. So like, these guys that are five, six, are still five, two to five inches taller than most of these girls. And I mean, you’re six inches taller than I am in heels or unless you’re wearing your work boots. But like me, I’m so short when you’re wearing your work boots. But I really, I think that I guess I have hope that as this body positivity, movement and wave that we’re on in general moves forward, I think that in becoming more accepting of ourselves, then we become more accepting of, of others in general. And I think that becoming more accepting of ourselves, women who are taller, are going to be like, okay, whatever. And I think that that standard will kind of fade away as we’re like, searching for something deeper and not as superficial. And I think that that’s the biggest thing with the body positivity movement, in general is that we’re looking at our core values, and just like, everything like that, that has nothing to do, I tell people all the time, the best things about you have nothing to do with your height and weight. They have to do with the content of your character. And they have to do with like, who you are as a person and how you present yourself and how you treat others and, and how you move through the world. And those are the things that I’m truly attracted to in other people on all levels. And I think that as this movement surges forward, that I hope that that can open up a doorway to take out that stupid height. restriction, I guess is a better best word for it. Who knows?

Peet
I mean, I just I hope that going forward, it kind of takes the pressure. And I guess, because going back to that video of the interview on the beach, it ends with the guy saying, well, what’s the difference? And she says, Well, guys don’t have feelings. And I think that that’s going to be a precedent for a lot of I mean, that’s going to be a precedent for a long time, because it’s been set by generation after generation of men that you don’t express your emotions. You don’t talk about your emotions. If you feel like you know, if you want to cry, that’s tough titties. You don’t cry. Right? No, if you if you feel sad about something, you fucking put your head into your work and you don’t think about it like, right? And then we

Carly Someplace
we don’t talk. I mean, such a patriarchy. Ah, that’s that, that toxic masculinity is. So you’re right is so incredibly rampant. And I think that, I mean, I’ve honestly, in my life, I’ve I’ve probably rejected a guy and been like, whatever, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have the same type of feelings that I do, though I don’t particularly know that I’ve rejected somebody just based on their physical appearance. I don’t know, like, oh, I don’t know. I feel like we’ve all been in the wrong at some point that we’ve done something that has hurt somebody else and not really acknowledged it. And I think that moving forward as even body positivity, and then and Peritus paired to the side with it, is the breakdown of toxic masculinity, I think. I mean, when I first started talking to you, and you told me that we were talking about books, and we were talking about, you know, just different books that you were listening to at work, or that I was reading, and we were talking about Ready Player One and ready player two, and you told me that you had cried during reading ready player two. And I was like, Oh God, a man with emotions. Like, this is amazing. And a man that is afraid, not afraid to tell me that he’s cried about something. Or that gets emotional about something. And I think that where we’ve been taught so often, and I obviously don’t know what it’s like for you that you know, any man that is going to be emotional with you or anything like that. It’s like, Oh, my God, an instant keeper. Because you as men have been told, Don’t do that.

Peet
No, and I mean, I’ve been that’s even still true. I mean, I don’t. I mean, it’s hard to explain it. And, you know, I hope that all I mean, I even had it with a woman at work last week, she was she was on the phone when I showed up to deliver and she has to check me in. So I had to wait for. And she obviously was having a heated discussion on the phone. I don’t know exactly about what. But she came out and she just started crying. And she went to check me in and I just walked over and gave her a hug. It’s like, and she’s like, No, I’m so sorry. This is so unprofessional. I’m like, do don’t ever be sorry for your emotions. Like guy, girl, whoever, like you can feel it. And even with, you know, my good friend going through everything that he’s going through right now. Just talking about, you know, and I’m glad that he’s very open about it, because not talking about all the emotions that come along with what he’s going through would be just devastating to hold down. And just to hold all that in. Just feels like crap. And I did it for a long time. You know, I because growing up, I was told, like, you know, the first rule of food and beverage is you don’t cry and food beverage, the second rule of beverage, you don’t cry in tune beverage. Like, that’s, that’s what I grew up with, in, in, in around and, you know, it took a long time for me to even break that and just realize like, Dude, it’s not healthy to just hold all that in and just sit on it and wait for it to come back later. Like that’s, that’s incredibly tough, toxic, you know, it is toxic for your soul for your health for your everything and like it has, it does have an effect on your your health, just living your life like that.

Carly Someplace
Right? Not being able to fully express your emotions.

Peet
No, and that’s a big issue in you know, I think a lot of dudes pot body positivity is wrapped up in that if like, you know, it’s okay to shit on guys, because they don’t have feelings. Like it’s a precedent that’s been set.

Carly Someplace
Right? And it’s not true. It’s not true at all. And I think I think what’s really hard about that same is that like, as women, we’re taught to value men who show their emotions, who can actually like be in touch with their emotions, or at least like the people that I’m friends with, like that something that we highly value. So it’s so ridiculous to me that it’s honestly like this double edged sword of like, you’re you as a guy, you’re not supposed to show your emotions, but what I value is the fact that you show your emotions, like that’s,

Peet
yeah, I don’t you know, I don’t know.

Carly Someplace
It’s so contradictory in so many ways.

Peet
And I mean, it’s just a matter of like, you know, guys attribute that to being strong. Like, if you’re strong, you don’t cry, you don’t. You don’t have those emotions. And it’s like, dude, if you go have yourself a good 20 minute cry, and then come back, you’re gonna be fucking in a stronger place. I promise you, I promise you.

Carly Someplace
Right. So okay, so my second question for everybody that I interview is, Do you Do you have anybody who’s like, influenced you? I mean, let’s, let’s talk about it influenced you in, in moving into being able to accept being emotional and being you know, having those emotions stepping away from toxic masculinity? Anybody who’s influenced you in being more accepting with your body? Or, or anything like that? Do you have any influences and that can be people or books or media or, or just anything in general?

Peet
We already brought up one, you know, the interview with Kumal. You know, that was, like, I saw that for the first time. And I was like, That’s cool to see that, you know, we need to leave a question. Yeah, the recognition of like, this is not a realistic body for a normal everyday person to have. Right? And I had I had when I was going to the gym a lot. I had some very good friends. Two of them, their names were winter and Haley and they were both just so supportive. And so did you like you know, just to hear it from a random girl of just like, Wow, you look good. You You know, you look so healthy, or you look so strong today, or you know, just to hear that from anybody is like, Dude, it’s it’s kind of like a joke, but in reality, it’s super, super fucking real. Dudes will get one compliment a year. And that will hold them out for the whole year.

Carly Someplace
Like just, I want to change that.

Peet
Like, like I can, I can tell you like the five times in my life I’ve been complimented by like random people or even just being hit on by a group. Roll is like such a crazy experience

Carly Someplace
hit on you all the time. You know, that’s different. I’m your girlfriend. But, and you hit on me all the time. We’ve been together for almost a year. And it’s I like that, that we do that.

Peet
Yeah, but I mean, just to have it from

Carly Someplace
them. No, I know, I totally understand where you’re coming from when somebody, if somebody walks up to me, and it’s like, oh my God, you look amazing. And like,

Peet
thank you. Yeah. So I mean, those were some very influential people, because I really haven’t. I mean, you obviously are, but that’s a whole nother thing.

Carly Someplace
Sorry. I’m your girlfriend,

Peet
my girlfriend and your your so in the body positivity space that at some point, you’re going to break me I think, but

Carly Someplace
I can’t wait for that. I can’t wait. For the day you finally start accepting my compliments you do every once in a while. I think you’ve told me thank you twice.

Peet
Okay, so you get to a year when this?

Carly Someplace
Um, okay, then my third. My third question, which I’m, I’m actually honestly really curious to hear your answer would be like, What? What would you tell your younger self? About, about stepping into like, being yourself in your body? And just like, moving forward with confidence? or, or? Or any of that? Like, what advice would you give to your younger self? What would you say to your younger self and and I say this to everybody that your younger self can be last week, your younger self can be five years ago, or your younger self can be the kid in high school that that girl told to lose 20 pounds, and I really want to find my person and smack her up.

Peet
I think I think it would be my mind much my middle school, my high school self of, and just to tell myself that like, just because the people that are around you are shitty, doesn’t mean that there’s not hope out, you know, like, because growing up in Tahoe, and especially in client, it’s such a it’s such a little bubble of you know, and that’s it. You’re just so trapped in with these people that say

Carly Someplace
the same 4050 people. Yeah, our

Peet
graduating class was like, Baby in our graduating class was at something.

Carly Someplace
And so, so yeah. And it’s yeah, it’s

Peet
like, well, you’re not as you know, you’re always being compared to whoever the fittest person in school is. Because there’s only 80 of you. And it’s, I you know, just because the people I grew up with was shit that just had such an impact on me for such a long time. And to hear that, and, you know, just to talk to myself and tell myself that, like, it’s gonna get better, and you’re just in a shit situation and to explain to him that, you know, like, I was like, 511 and 160 pounds, like, I was in good shape. And I had body confidence issues, because I was being compared to whoever the fittest person at the school was. Right? Like,

Carly Someplace
okay, so this is one last question that I’m going to ask you. Um, oh, I get a you get a bonus question and you get this bonus question because you’re my friend and you get this bonus question because I’m honestly curious about the answer is your ginger Do you think that just that physical attribute of your hair color has impacted the way that you see yourself for all of the jokes that revolve around it?

Peet
I think it did when I was younger. I there was a lot of I was called Fire crotch a lot. I was called. You know, all those weird ridiculous Yeah, stupid names. And I yeah, I did have a little bit of a you know, in my my skin tone, which is absolute white. Yeah. You know, I yeah, that did also have an effect on my body positivity back when I was younger because yeah, yeah, my confidence and just my Yeah, cuz that’s, I guess, I guess Ron helped out with that a little bit.

Carly Someplace
Here. Fred Weasley.

Peet
To hear girls talk about how hot Ron is, you know, helped us all as young ginger boys back in the day.

Carly Someplace
Thank you for making a Harry Potter just just For me. I, I don’t I mean, I didn’t want to, like put you on the spot with that question. But I was genuinely curious because like, I think that in our physical appearance, our our hair color comes into a lot of things in our hairstyles and our hair, whatever, especially when we’re young and especially, I mean, there’s, there’s so much of that, and I think that being able to stand on that ground and like, I mean, I love your red hair. I love your red hair. I love your red beard. I think it’s super sexy, but but I think I was I was honestly curious. Like, if that had a an effect on on that confidence, because it is such a, a stereotype that is teased, and like made fun of in general, I guess. Yeah, more than more than any others like more than many others.

Peet
Yeah, no, I mean, I definitely heard it, you know? And yeah, I definitely had an impact on me growing up at one point, I dyed my hair black. And it was a terrible mistake. But can we do we have to learn I guess.

Carly Someplace
I know, I know. With your very pale skin it was.

Peet
Well, my hair color matches my skin tone. So when I grew grew out like a half an inch. It looks like I was balding at 16 or whatever I was. So I got shit for that, too.

Carly Someplace
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don’t mean to laugh. I’m laughing because I know you find it funny, too. But yeah, so yeah, but I’m, I’m very thankful, my love that you said yes to talking about this. I think that, again, these are conversations that you and I have in private all the time. And you get to listen to me talk about these subjects, all day, every day. And to quote you, when my podcast first came out, you were like, so I listen to the first episode. And I don’t know if I’m gonna listen to the whole thing, because I hear you talk about it all day, every day. And it’s not new information for me. And I know that that’s true. And it’s, it’s, it’s funny, and I’m but I am very grateful that you would, you know, open up and be able to have this conversation with the people who are who do listen and have that. You’re also my first man on the show.

Peet
I hope that I hope that people share with their significant other that it’s okay to talk about it. And, you know, I don’t know what percentage of your audience is male, if any, but you know,

Carly Someplace
I hope that I know some I know some for sure. I’ve definitely had a couple of like, guy friends texted me and told me that they listen and that it’s super impactful, which has been really cool feeling to me, in general. So I specifically when we started talking, it was like, I know that this is gonna resonate with quite a few people who have reached out on that level. And I’m but I’m super thankful because it’s just I know you’re an introvert. I mean, I’m at my computer, so it makes it a little bit easier. But yes, it does. It does. It does. Okay, my love. Thank you. I’m going to, we’re gonna end soon so that I can come out of our podcast studio in our house, which is our walk in closet, and you can come out of our office and we go to bed. But I am very grateful for you. And I’m grateful for you to share your voice on something that’s very important to me. So thank you. Of course. I love you. And thank you very much. Love you too. Thanks so much for listening to someplace for everybody. If you love this episode, would you mind leaving me a review in your favorite podcast app and subscribe to the show. If you’re looking for a community to love on you and support you and your self love Journey, come join our all gender Facebook group someplace for everybody which can be found in the show notes at someplace for everybody.com Until we meet again, be kind to yourself