We’re back for part two of Ali Bravo’s episode around self-love and exploration! In today’s episode, Ali gets vulnerable in sharing her first experiences with kink, how she got comfortable with it, but also how her relationship with pleasure has changed over time. Listen in as she highlights the importance of communication and shares resources that she’s enjoyed in her sexual journey.
Review the Show Notes:
Getting Comfortable with Kink (1:04)
Relationship with Pleasure (1:38)
Communication (6:53)
Touching & Permission (12:20)
Red, Green, Yellow System (18:30)
Resources (25:20)
Dan Savage’s Podcast
Hump Filmfest
X Confessions
Rachael Lark
Poly Secure Book
@omgyes
Ioba Toys – ohmyg toy
Explained series on Netflix
Pleasure Activism
Sexual Self Journal
Advice to Your Younger Self (47:00)
Connect with Ali:
raptrix.com – 15% off with CARLY15
Review the Transcript:
Carly Someplace
Alright, y’all, we are back with my very good friend Ally. And I’m sure where we left you off in the conversation, you’re just like waiting on this cliffhanger. So Ali and I are going to dive deep into talking about kink and talking about vulnerability and the vulnerability that comes with that. And I’m really excited to really think Ali for her vulnerability as she opens up and lets everyone listen to a lot of discovering pleasure and discovering different things about her body, and how vulnerable she was during this process. So without further ado, episode two with Ali part two.
Carly Someplace
Welcome to some place for everybody where we talk about belonging and being a human in our bodies in living in and learning to love our bodies. I’m your host, Carly someplace. This podcast is brought to you by someplace images, boudoir for everybody. You can see the full show notes at some place for everybody.com. Now let’s change some self perspectives.
Ali Bravo
I’m trying to think like in a in a regards to, to kink. Oh, yeah, actually a dear dear friend and girlfriend of mine, like was kind of my, like gateway to kink into like, into receiving pleasure. And yeah, I mean, I got how much time do we have?
Carly Someplace
I gotta hit me with it hit me with.
Ali Bravo
Yeah, well, I guess you let’s just we’re I mean, I’m already being incredibly vulnerable. Let’s go for it. I appreciate it. Vulnerability is my favorite drug. I’m like,
Ali Bravo
I love it. I love it so much.
Ali Bravo
My relationship with my pleasure, started. Well, growing up and especially growing up in a fat body. And I’m curious if you if you experienced this too, where, because our bodies aren’t worthy. There’s almost like this, like, need to seek validation by being hypersexual.
Ali Bravo
Were like yep, I can definitely agree with that. I think that there was a lot of like, yeah, yeah, I could agree with that.
Ali Bravo
Definitely pushed myself or like would have sex when I didn’t want to or like have sexual interactions when I didn’t want to as a way to seek validation in a fat body of like, if someone sexually desire me that I’m don’t feel so worthless. And so you know, I’ve always been a sloth I’m now very conscious and Integris sloth but like I was I was a sloth without a lot of like self self love or compassion and definitely like put myself in situations where yeah, like they’re like, my pleasure wasn’t a priority where I wasn’t advocating for myself where I was, you know, like, but yeah, so pleasure was like never a priority or they and also I think as human socialized as women you know, we’re not taught to prioritize pleasure or even to like explore Yeah, like explore our bodies and like figure out what feels good so like I had no idea what felt
Ali Bravo
good and taught in movies that like we should pretty much come automatically and always right when the guy is also coming. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so like, that doesn’t take any practice whatsoever. Okay, well
Ali Bravo
here’s the professor pervert fact for you, our audience not for you might know this, but like so. Pound for pound. The human clitoris has it just as much erectile tissue as the human penis like it’s the same amount. And so, but the human penis takes on average 30 seconds to two minutes to become fully engorged. Why the human clitoris takes 30 minutes to become fully engorged.
Ali Bravo
I did not know that.
Ali Bravo
foreplay, foreplay. Foreplay is not. It’s not like it’s not optional. It’s part of anyway. Um I love a good quickie. I don’t need 30 minutes to warm up every time but I need 30 minutes to warm up more often than then like than I ever gave myself, right. And so when I got into my first relationship when I was 18, with a much older man, we having sex, which was great. We had great sex and like and we I had what I thought was my first orgasm. And he was so excited about that and like so like, you know, like pumped like sweet, you know? And then he worked at a restaurant and would we both were at the same restaurant and he would leave an hour before me. And so I had all this extra time because I was always spending the night at his house and we had bought a vibrator together chocolate shout out chocolate was Raulerson Reno greats great sex. And we bought a vibrator together and his roommate had got like drunkenly bought like a porno at the gas station that was like laying around the house that had some like really cheesy porn DVDs in the background in the back of it. And so when it was Oh an hour to kill them on, you know, pop one of these in and check this vibrator out and then was like, oh, that’s what an orgasm. And so but I but at that time, I was too ashamed to tell him that he actually hadn’t had not helped facilitate my first orgasm and so I Started masturbating in secret with porn with a vibrator. And it was like secret and hidden and like something I had to like, hide and became shameful. And so like, suddenly, like my orgasm was tied in like, yes, secrecy like porn, like, I could only come in this one way. And I wasn’t, I wasn’t able to be present with my pleasure. And then when we until I, and then continued to fake it with him for the next like year and a half. And then when we broke up, told him that he had never made me come when I was trying to be mean and hurt him. And it was super devastating for him. And so anyway, so like, yeah, my I had a very, I had dug a deep groove in my own psyche with my orgasm. And so then, like, in bed, like, wouldn’t advocate for myself, like, like, orgasms were things I did on my own, you know, and it’s been a very long journey, like, long, long, long, long, long journey, like, you know, I would start bringing my vibrator bed, but there was still something about like, surrendering, and being vulnerable enough with a man to like, you know, let him give me pleasure. And so a girlfriend of mine, and I like she, yeah, there was there was a beautiful, we had a beautiful time together, and she tied me up, and I wasn’t even expecting it. But she started playing with me and like I wasn’t expecting, and I just suddenly was like, Oh, my God, I’m going to come and I did. And I like, and she and I was so as tied up, I came and then started sobbing, and she started her period. And it was amazing. So actually, right now, like how Yes, actually, my journey with bondage is very much tied to learning how to receive pleasure and learning how to advocate for my pleasure and learning what feels good, how to ask for it, how to, like believe in my worthiness to receive pleasure from another human being. And so yeah, wow, cool. Thank you. lightbulbs, lightbulbs, I
Ali Bravo
like light bulbs. I like a lot. I I love this. And I think that I think that there’s something about like, just the, the kink community in general, that, again, going back to what you’re talking about, you have to have communication, like communication is the number one thing in the kink community, literally the number one thing and it’s, you know, what you’re comfortable with what you’re not comfortable with? Because when you’re doing things within kink, even just handcuffs, even just being tied up, which in my brain, like, I don’t think of those as big things anymore. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t to other people. Right. Exactly. And so, and so having these conversations or having like, I mean, just anything, having any, any communication with a partner is so instrumental to a deeper sex life in general. Like, I mean, we were, we were talking a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I, and I was just like, we were talking about orgasms or something. And I was, I still feel disappointed if I don’t make him come for some reason. Like, it’s been so ingrained into our brains that like, yep, right, exactly. And it sometimes is, like, we don’t have enough time, or we don’t have like, just it’s what like, pick a scenario. Any scenario. It’s not anything. Yeah, but there’s still the other
Ali Bravo
still the expectation to like, perform like performance. Like into like, yeah, the orgasm was like, the the prize like, you know,
Ali Bravo
exactly. And so, and he and I were talking about it, and he was like, he was like, Well, I, I give you orgasms. I was like, Well, yes, you know, you do, but also, and he’s like, but every time and I was like, well, there he goes, except for that one time, and I was like, the one time where like, after half an hour, I was finally like, it’s just not gonna happen, baby. And I was like, I was like, because whatever was going on in my brain, or in my anything that was going on with my body, or whatever I was like, it had nothing to do with you. And I think that, that, that openness and kink communities of like, I’m comfortable with this, I want this, I don’t want this, these are my heart yeses. And my heart knows. I’m open to exploring these things. But all of the communication that’s involved in kink is like, so incredibly important. And I think that’s, that’s why the like, and I don’t want to be like there’s like this, like, in my brain. There’s this like pyramid of like, sex and people and like all this other stuff. And I feel like the kink community kind of rules the top of that period. Pyramid. And but that comes from communication, that people are like, well, they’re just having this like crazy sex and it’s like, it can’t be that good. Or it can’t be whatever. And it’s weird if they do this and blah, blah, blah, whatever. But like so much of that literally just comes from like communicating your wants and your needs and being able to have open conversation and experience new things with an openness, which I think is so I mean, obviously society is like sex is bad and you’re like, but is it like that’s how we all got here?
Ali Bravo
Yes. And I think there’s just so many problems that come from our puritanical sex negative culture that and I think the whole world has something to learn from the King community and from the sex positive community. It even just outside of sex, like I was, I was talking about this in my stories the other day where I’ve been like, lately feeling some people’s hesitant to, like, tell me no, or they like, you know, wait a long time or like have to give me like for my class, for example, like a friend like, you know, it took her I was like, Hey, would you like to join us in my class? You know, and she was it took her a long time. And she had to be like, like, list like, 17 reasons why I could feel she was like really scared to say no. And it was like, 17 reasons why, like, you know, and I was like, I was like, Oh, my gosh, thank you for your note, like thank you for taking care of yourself. And I take it for granted because the circles that I run in are so consent minded are so communication oriented. And like, as my friend Misha says he has a great article on this calling, like rolling the red carpet out for the know, where because we’re taught not to say no, and we’re taught not to receive no, not to take no for an answer. Oh my god, that phrase means I’m gonna die. And and so like, I always say this, I’ve like, I welcome your note, like, you know, anytime I ask something, I’ll usually qualify like, Hey, I welcome your No, like, please say no to me, because saying no, to me means that you’re saying yes to yourself. And it’s something I wrote
Ali Bravo
an entire book with Hannah. And there’s a whole chapter on. I can’t wait to get I
Ali Bravo
can’t wait to get the self love journal. I’m like, really excited about it.
Ali Bravo
Yes, there is. There’s a whole there’s a lot about saying no means saying yes to yourself.
Ali Bravo
word in the English language. And I think, you know, I like if I had to boil down the secret to life into just a couple of words. Like, I honestly think it would be use your words, like use your words, and it’s so scary, I get it. It’s so scary. Like, there’ll be times when I need to speak my truth. And I feel like I’m gonna puke and die. But when I do, it’s so liberatory. And there’s a phrase I believe it was, I tried to be good with accreditation, I believe Jennifer Joseph said this, that when we speak our truth, the things that are for us get closer to us. And the things that are not move farther away to make room for the things that are you know, and it’s if you’re terrified to tell your partner something because you’re afraid they’re gonna leave you like, and you actually tell your partner that thing and they leave you then then it’s like, then that person wasn’t your person, you know, and, and so, you know, like, not speaking your truth and not being clear in your communication is self abandonment. You know, like you’re, it’s you’re abandoning yourself in order to make someone else more comfortable or in order to like, fit in and that’s, that’s no way to live.
Ali Bravo
No, absolutely. Definitely. No way to live. It’s yeah, it’s such a like, I think there’s so many valuable lessons we can learn from sex and kink.
Ali Bravo
Yeah, I mean, even read system that we use it.
Ali Bravo
About that when you were describing that. It sounds amazing. Like that just sounds fantastic. For for any scenario, ideal scenario,
Ali Bravo
any party. Yes.
Ali Bravo
I feel like there’s there’s such an interesting thing. So like, I’m, I’m a very like, touchy person. I love to touch people. I love to hug people. Like, I love to hug people. And I have a lot of friends who do not like hugs, yeah, at all. And I, and I try to be so incredibly respectful of that. And my like, and I’ve gotten to the point. And I think that COVID kind of helped shape this a little bit as well, with touch boundaries, but like, I even if it’s somebody Well, there’s a couple of people that I’m not ever going to be like, Can I hug you? Because I know the answer is Yes, always. But like, but I constantly ask people, can I hug you or can I like, and it’s an interesting thing. And a lot of that comes back into my job, there’s a really big, because I totally believe that you shouldn’t touch people without their permission whatsoever. But I also think that there are scenarios where you should expect people to touch you. And so I think that there is like, so I’ll just throw it out there and this way of like my work world of photography, so there is like such a like, there’s instructing and then they’re showing and then there’s also then like repositioning and I always instruct first and then show second and then ask if I can reposition. And I think that that’s like, there’s I mean even in just like education and wedding photography and different things like that people are like don’t touch your clients and then they’re like, then it’s like okay, but you have to touch your clients at some point like, especially like in poses or different things like that. And it’s usually can I push this hair back for you? Can I grab this out of your eyes? ashes Can I, like, you know, do these small things, which are not obviously, like sexual touching in any way, which is a whole different ballgame, but like, they’re there. And they’re these conversations that like need to happen. And, and don’t have to happen like you can, you don’t have to touch your clients that is 100% true however at some point, one you should make them comfortable enough to you touch them to things like I, I posted a photo in my Facebook group the other day of being with one of my best friends and doing like a mini boudoir shoot for her on our girls trip. And we were in Phoenix. And one of my other restaurants took a photo of me and I’m literally like leaning down and I’m adjusting the straps on the butt of her lingerie. And it’s like, literally me like me, like adjusting bootstraps. And I adjust people’s phones, like today, my client I like, had chains across her boobs. And I was like, I was like, I was like, Please don’t mind me, I’m just gonna manhandle your boobs, into the position that they need to be in for this pose, because the rest of your body is perfect. And I’m just gonna move them where they need to be for the rest of us. And she’s like, that’s fine, do whatever like. And I think that I mean, specifically with boudoir, like, it should be assumed at some point, like, I’m going to help you into a bra or help you into a piece of laundry or help you out of any of those things. And, and all of this other stuff, and I but I do like I find myself at the beginning of every session asking, Can I help you with that, or I’m here to help you if you need it in any way or different things like this using that communication. And so when I see photographers who are like, never touch your clients, I’m like, That’s not realistic, right? But also like, the people who like walk over and like physically move their clients to pose them. I’m like, that’s also not realistic. Like, one, you’re not actually teaching them anything, if you anything, but also like, there’s such a way that you can use that with words. And it has to be this combination of words and touch to have
Ali Bravo
that I want to say trust in general. And it’s such a it’s such an interesting thing of just like, but seeing people and being around people and like knowing people that don’t enjoy hugs or don’t enjoy any physical contact whatsoever. Yeah, my friend Jen, the first time really that I met her this was like, I don’t even want to say that we were friends yet at this point. She was having a panic attack. And we were in France. And it was the first time she’d ever had a panic attack. She didn’t know what was happening. And my sisters had panic attacks most of my life. I’m very used to live at this point. And so I walked over and I said, and I I was I was like, Okay, can I help you? And she was like, Yeah, I don’t, I don’t know what I need. And I said, okay, can Can I hold you? And she was like, I don’t really like people touching me. But okay. And I was like, okay, so she just like, and we were like sitting on this like big couch thing or whatever. And she came over and I literally just like, I wrapped my arms essentially around like her diaphragm and was like, okay, just breathe with me. Like breathe when I breathe. And like, and you’re going to feel me breathe, and you’re going to feel my heart be a lot slower than yours is right now. And you’re going to feel my body be a lot slower than yours is right now. Just breathe with me. And if you can’t breathe with me for the first couple of breaths, that’s okay. Just listen to me breathing and feel me breathing. Because if you can feel this, then your body can emulate it, which is what you need in order to be able to calm down, right? For sure. Jen does not like hugs. Jen does not like people touching her. Jen does not like any of this. But I am a person. And I’ve seen her. We live on opposite sides of the country. So we don’t get to see each other very often. But when I’ve seen Jen, the first thing she does is hug me. And I feel like that’s such an honor in so many ways. But like that came from a position of one me asking permission in the first place. And, and for her being an even more vulnerable position than just I don’t like hugs, but like I don’t like physical contact from people that I don’t really know. And at this point, we didn’t really know each other and I was like, What can I help you? And this is the way that I know how to help you. Which means Can I Can I hold him? Can I physically hold your body to help you with
Ali Bravo
this? Right? And she had the consent to say yes and like I believe Yeah, I love everything that you’re saying and just like yeah, that just it’s like such a case by case basis and like and how important it is to get consent. And so the red, red, red green yellow system that I described online there’s a similar system that’s implemented at actual in person sex parties. And there’s a bracelet that you wear that is one of those colors and so and it’s the same thing like read like they prefer to be approached like letter read approach you yellow ask and then green are basically consenting to non sexual touch interaction and then responsible to your nose so like you can hug a green give a green a big hug, you know knowing and then it’s like and then they can obviously say no, it’s like if that but but it’s kind of pre negotiated like if we had this system, like more globally and it doesn’t have to be such party like if you just had an event Right, like where everyone’s wearing a bracelet that like said their level of comfort with consent, like, it would be a game changer.
Ali Bravo
That would be such a good eye like I can all yes. That is I’m gonna say this right now, because I had to push my conference back from this year to next year, if that is something I will do at my conference, I will literally ask every single person in attendance, what color bracelet they would like, and then that is going to be and I will put out a thing and explain it and be like, this is the standard if you don’t want to be hugged, if you don’t want to be touched, if you’re not, if you’re not comfortable with those type of things, then you’re gonna get a red bracelet, if you want to be asked to like different things like that. I love this system ally like I like and I, that makes me so excited to like to move forward with something like that and bring it into a non sexual space. And, and I think that that’s absolutely fantastic. And it really should be a standard in so many ways. I agree.
Ali Bravo
Yeah, yeah. Yep. Oh my gosh, that lights me up and Bridget, one of my one of the cofounders of for love is gonna be so excited because we were literally just talking about how we can take elements from sex sex world and like bring and like give them to non sex world. And that was a specific example that she used was the red green yellow system. So she’s gonna be she’s gonna
Ali Bravo
be powerful in its simplicity. Right? Yep. For sure. Everybody understands. Everybody understands what those colors are. Right? The exception being if you’re colorblind. For sure, but like, literally everybody understands what those colors mean, because we are taught that from the time that we’re children. And I think that that’s a universal understanding for sure. Absolutely. And across cross cultures across everything, like those are very standard colors to indicate those things. Totally. No other meat. Yes, like that is pretty much what that gives you in any any way. And obviously different parameters attached to each. But I think that that’s such a phenomenal system. I’m so excited about.
Ali Bravo
I love it. And then the other thing I wanted to add is that like I do something called like pre negotiated consent with my friends where I’m like, those friends that I’m super touchy feely with I’m like, you have free like free rein touch me whenever, like, I will use my knife if I need it, like, you know, spank my ass, grab my boobs, like, I love you. Like we’re good. And so when I have that I have that explicit verbal consent with those people and so that if someone you know, is Burning Man, especially I find it’s like a place where people just take a lot of free rein and like, because I have pre negotiated consent with my people and someone like, does something like like, slaps my ass on my consent. I’m like, Hey, I didn’t consent to that, like, you know, there’s blah, blah, blah, and like, it feels really good just to have have that built into my friendships.
Ali Bravo
Oh, yeah. I absolutely. And I think that there’s definitely like, I haven’t really like thought about it of specifically being like, pre negotiated consent. But I do have that with specific people. I mean, even just obviously, like, within my relationship with my boyfriend, like he is, he is very touchy physical touches his love language, he is like it. And I don’t want to be like, I can tell when he’s nervous because he’ll like, come up next to me and like, touch my butt like six times in a row. Because he’s like, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. And it’s, but it’s also for him. I mean, nobody else really gets to touch my butt. I say that, but like, also, there’s people who get to touch me, but I have a lot of people like a lot of I don’t know, I guess not necessarily a lot. I have quite a few close friends that like where it’s like appropriate or like it’s even like my brand ambassadors people who I’ve seen at their most vulnerable and they’ve also seen me stripped down and both literally and metaphorically in many ways and they’re always like, oh my god Carly badass, like, whatever. And like, and with them, it’s never it’s never bothered me, it’s me. I don’t want to say like returning the favor because I’m again, adjusting their straps and adjusting all of these other things. And so, in turn if I’m in lingerie for some reason, or if I’m in a bathing suit or whatever, like I don’t object to touch from those people but it’s it’s very given those people and it’s just Wow, it’s so many things we can learn from kink community. Oh much. So much. It makes me so incredibly happy. Okay, so my next question for you and this can be leaning in more to like kink and sex for this one as well. So, in obviously becoming more comfortable with yourself and leaning into kink and leaning into having orgasms and talking about it and asking for things, what are some like in influences that have, like furthered you on this journey. So it can be books or it can be media or I mean, even podcasts, different things like this as resources that other people could potentially check out. And I always say people are also a really good resource. In any ways, though, I realized that people aren’t always an available resource to others.
Ali Bravo
For sure, let’s see, I’d say as I call him uncle Dan has Dan Savage was a huge influence for me. Dan Savage has an amazing I haven’t listened to him a long time, but I have a lot of friends that still listen to him. And he has a like, question, a podcast, where people call in and ask and answer six questions. And there’s like, like, no question is, like, too taboo or weird. And he just gives amazing advice. And my favorite part is that he always at the end of each episode will play feedback calls, and will like really, like if he totally misses the mark, you know, like, you will play someone’s feedback without like rebuttal or debate of, you know, just like someone calls ends like, do you know, that was shitty advice? And like, you know, so he’s good at like taking accountability and seeing other perspectives and and so he also has something called hump which is an amateur porn film festival, which I’m a huge fan of, and I also am really grateful for this question, because I wanted to bring it back around with like, the my story about my relationship with my pleasure. And like, I just don’t want to get anyone to get it twisted that I’m like, denouncing porn, because I’m not I love porn. I think porn is awesome. And there’s a lot of problems in mainstream free pornography. So I want to give a huge shout out to Dan savages hump Film Fest, which is amazing. So it’s all amateur submitted, like a dream of mine is to submit a film to hub. And they’re weird. And they’re kinky. And there’s all different bodies and all different, like, some are funny, some are super sexy, and they’re in there. They’re back in theaters now. Thank God, like it was on like online for a while, but they’re back in theaters. And you’re like in a theater full of people. And you’re like, Whoa, that’s fucking weird. I’ve never seen that before. And like, oh, that’s super sexy. And they’re like, Oh, that is not my kink. But okay, you know, and it’s just like, there’s just the beaut most beautiful range. And then another favorite porn director of mine is Erica lust and huge, huge shout out and she has a subscription service called ex confessions that I do. I don’t always I will I do watch free porn sometimes. But I am a huge advocate for paying for pornography, and paying me and so Eric molestus Super, like so many different bodies. So many different and this is like crowdsource porn X confession series, where people will write in their weird fantasies. And she will like produce highly produced like beautiful horn of like, some really weird like someone’s really weird fantasy and it’s amazing. And then she has I love that it’s incredible. It’s incredible. And she also like curates like she knows she has x confessions and then lust cinema and so cute curated from other directors as well that like are in like, in alignment with her values of just like, you know, paying performer as well of like a diversity of bodies and of like, things represented so huge, huge Erica, last fan. Oh, this is a fun little plug. Rachel Lark is an incredible singer songwriter, and is coming out with a play in San Francisco. Oh, it’s gonna be this episode’s gonna air after that Anyway, check out Rachel Lark. She’s really great and writes amazing songs about like, how 69 sucks because I totally agree it’s too distracting and curious and change and like yeah. See, so, and then you know, in more than just like six sex and kink I like would love to shout out kind of just the resources in more more broadly under the umbrella of like ethical non monogamy for example. So, an attachment theory, understanding attachment theory has revolutionized my relationships. And so poly secure is a book I recommend to any anyone monogamous? Like, non monogamous like it just it’s the best. I’ve been studying attachment theory for years, and it has broken down attachment theory in the best, like the clearest, most concise way that I’ve ever read. And then the second half of the book is like tools specifically for people that are ethically non monogamous, but like highly recommend, that’s an amazing resource. And then there’s some just like, really great Instagram accounts, and I’m like, my brain is totally blanking right now. That’s okay. You can
Ali Bravo
you can send some to me. Oh, yeah. Really, really
Ali Bravo
incredible. Just super sex positive. Oh, yes. Okay. OMG YES. Is a Are you familiar?
Ali Bravo
I I’ve seen a lot of the advertisements Yeah.
Ali Bravo
It’s really great. It basically they like pulled like I think like 10,000 humans with vaginas. Like about like what feels good and there’s just these like super graphic but super instructional videos on like, these are ways like how to play with your clitoris and there’s like live people showing you like I really love this motion. This motion feels really good and has like strategies for all different like For penetration, I’m grading all four like and they’re like graphic videos, but it’s like an all different there’s like a, you know, seven year old woman showing you like how she likes her clip played with and they pull people in, they have numbers of like 70% of humans with vaginas like really like this motion and give you like really clear instructions on like, different ways to pleasure yourself and also to be pleasured by a partner. Just an incredible instructional place. For that kind of stuff. Shout out to ally ash, who’s in my community and has like amazing classes on like fantasies, and like how to rock a play party. And yeah, and then also stay tuned from me, there’s going to be some like pretty cool, collaborative things happening with other party organizers around like, education and stuff. So so stay tuned for that for some of that. Yeah, yeah, those are the ones off the top of my head, like few resources.
Ali Bravo
But I love it. I think I think that resources are, are incredibly important. Because even if somebody I don’t want to say gain to nothing else from this conversation, but then something you just said as a as a resource. They’re like, Oh, I could listen to that. Because it’s something resources can lead you down your own rabbit holes. And I think that resources are the type of thing as a broad use or resource like you said, OMG YES. Like, that’s a rod resource that then can lead people to something that is very specific to themselves and like, and honestly, I mean, like I know, we’ve said this multiple times, but like, every single person is deserving of pleasure. Every single person and finding out how that pleasure can happen for you is so incredibly important. So important.
Ali Bravo
Important and I just remembered one more resource that I’d love to point out is actually the O M G well it’s it’s I Oba toys I OB a toys so I had I, for the longest time would get a lot of pleasure from my G spot but could never like reach orgasm, and I got this little toy called the OMG Oh, yeah. OMG. And it’s just this like, it looks like a banana with a little nubbin on it and the Nubbins just like Ma Ma and like, I had my first ever G spot orgasm with this brilliant toy and and then it was almost like training wheels where all of a sudden men partners were able to bring me to G Spot Orgasm manually. And so it was almost as like I needed like that, like the toy was just this gateway to pleasure. So that’s the other thing like I wasn’t announcing toys or porn. I love both. But and so yeah, hi, shout out to IObit toys and the OMG because it has like unlocked a whole new portal of pleasure for me that I’m able to now achieve Yeah, with without the toy, but it was almost as like, I needed the training wheels to get there. And I feel
Ali Bravo
like that that is just that statement that you’re saying I toy is a training wheel is like so incredibly important. I think that using toys in self exploration is so incredibly important that even if you are single or if whatever, just to be able to one give yourself pleasure that you absolutely deserve. And to to then be able to know what you like and how your body responds to certain things. Like being able to experiment with yourself before you experiment with a partner is obviously like, you know, your own limits, and you’re not going to do something generally to yourself that is going to be harmful or traumatic or different things like that. Because you know, your stopping points. And having that self exploration and then being able to move forward and be with a partner and ask for certain things is like, yes, so good. It’s so good. It’s so important.
Ali Bravo
And if your partner is in is like insecure about your toys, that is a red flag.
Carly Someplace
Yes. Yes, yes.
Ali Bravo
I like Dan, like Dan, Uncle Dan said at one time, he’s like, he’s like, if if if a man needed like a goat and a merry Archie band and a snowstorm to be able to come, you better believe that all of those things would be present in the bedroom every single time. And so, like, you need to get you there. Right? Like, you know, and yeah, yeah.
Ali Bravo
Yeah, it’s true. It’s so true. And I I feel like I could talk for an hour based on like, how society thinks that the patriarchal white man’s white sis man’s orgasm is the most important thing on the face of the planet. I could I could, I could speak on that for such a long time. Yeah, such a long time. Yeah, I won’t. But people, other people are allowed and should have orgasms and also, you can be a priority. It’s not just them. Right? Totally.
Ali Bravo
And, and you know, it’s it’s for me, it’s such a yes. And because I really Also I’m learning how to like de center my focus, like, on the orgasm, and like I was, I was playing with a new lover recently. And I was like really close and like and, and but it just like wasn’t like kind of wasn’t happening. And he was and he just like stopped and he’s like, Hey like, like I’m having a lot of time a lot of fun pleasuring you he’s like, but I’m not attached to you coming. And it was just like, ah, like, I didn’t even realize that I was like playing into that story. And like putting that pressure on myself to perform pleasure, like have an orgasm, and like it was just, and then I immediately like, came like right after that, because the pressure was taken.
Ali Bravo
Right. And so I had, um, Dr. Ashley Zimmerman on my podcast, too. And she is a physical therapist, and specifically has now moved into she works with pelvic floor and like women’s health and all of that other stuff, but talked with her many episodes ago, I want to say it’s like episode eight, about just kind of pleasure in general, because she’s moved into becoming a pleasure coach. And we were talking about how you really need to reflate frame pleasure to not just be an orgasm period. And we’re talking about like daily life, not just like, all this other stuff. And I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the explained series on Netflix?
Ali Bravo
No, I think maybe like an episode or two, but not you should.
Ali Bravo
So I think so it was actually last night watching the one about sugar. And it’s talking about how all of these like sugar replacements have come in, and why they’re not as satisfying to us like, on a like biological level, why sugar replacements are not as satisfying to us as sugar actually is. And it’s literally like, they have this entire, like, graph chart thing. That that’s like talking about like, the way that sugar, like the way that your your tastebuds experience sugar, and like and how it brings you pleasure, because it all is like all of these different things. And I was watching that. And I was like, Yeah, sugar is such a pleasure for me. And like and when I was talking with Ashley about this initially, and I actually had, it’s funny, because after that podcast episode, I had multiple people like messaged me, because I said one of my biggest things of pleasure is like when Pete gets out of bed in the morning, and I can just roll over and have the whole bed to myself. That is such, that is such a moment of pleasure for me every single day, because it’s like, and it’s not even like I obviously love rolling over and having him be there and like leaning over and touching him and all this other stuff. But when he gets out of bed, and I can just like stretch. And I think maybe some of this comes back to the fact that like I exist in a fat body, like being able to take up space, unapologetically in my own space. And it’s not even again, it has nothing to do with him leaving it has to do with the fact of like, I get to take up our entire bed. And it’s already warm. Yeah, like I’m not rolling over to a cold side of the bed. He’s just gotten out. It’s nice and cozy and warm. It smells like him and I get to have the whole thing to myself. And that to me is like such a moment of pleasure that I get almost every single day. And I think that that’s so important to recognize like that’s pleasure and also eating a salted caramel is pleasure and also like having an orgasm is pleasure but having an orgasm isn’t the only pleasure that comes from sex in any way shape or form.
Ali Bravo
Right? Absolutely. And you know I’m a huge advocate I think that pleasure led living is revolutionary. Oh yeah, I really think it can change the world and here’s one more book book shout out pleasure activism by Adrian Marie Brown. Because yes, like we are taught to not like that our pleasure especially in fat bodies that like our pleasure is not is not worthy and like I mean, there’s so many other intersections of just oppression that also is the same story right like if you’re not a white man Yeah, no, we were just talking about like yeah if
Ali Bravo
you’re not a white man Yes,
Ali Bravo
and yeah, it truly is. I think it can change the world and that’s what I’m here to do like one one pleasureful moment at a time actually the first time that I had a manual orgasm like without a vibrator was in this program led by a friend Alexa Lata of mine who’s amazing I think she’s going to be leading another pleasure work like a six week pleasure thing soon. But what like we literally would just were instructed to like massage our nipples for like the first week, every week like so like literally just like nipple massage. I never thought that my nipples were pleasurable. Like I literally like would tell guys like they would play with my nipples and I would be like, Yeah, whatever. Because I was so just don’t do anything for my body. Ya know? And so literally the first day of doing this like guided nipple massage I was like, Holy shit, like actually sewing down and spending 10 minutes to touch my nipples. I was like, oh my nipples deaf that definitely feels good. I’m definitely super turned on. And I like was able to have my first orgasm without a vibrator. Not with not just touching my eyeballs touching my clitoris but, and but just it was like slowing taking the time to slow down and like, and be present with my body and to like it. And it was it changed my whole life, you know, but I had been so disassociated for so
Ali Bravo
I was gonna say I feel like we’re so we’re taught, especially if you’re in a larger body, that any time that you have to slow down and pay attention to your body. It’s what do I dislike about this? Not? Like, how can I bring pleasure to this? I mean, I it’s just like, don’t get me wrong, I will occasionally still stand in front of my mirror and just like smash my belly and and be like, but what would it look like if I looked like? It’s like? And I’m not saying that we don’t do that. And like and I get drunk all the time. Like, oh, Carly, you’re like the most, like you have the most self love, you’re the most confident you’re the most like whatever person I know. And I’m like, okay, cool. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still do those things. Right? For sure. Like I think I think that it’s so engrained into our society. And we’ve been taught it for so long that it’s hard to break away from that no matter how positive we are with ourselves, and how much we love ourselves, there are still moments of like, of doubt and, and disappointment in ourselves and shame and, and things like that. And it’s it’s taking those moments and being like, okay, but do I really feel that way about myself, like reevaluating it, want to love those parts, right. But I think that what you’re saying being disassociated with your body is that we’re taught in those moments of private and in those moments of like, maybe getting to be in a slow moment, because I gosh, the world feels like it’s spinning faster and faster every single day. Yeah. But in those slow moments, we’re not taught to appreciate and connect with our body, we’re taught to evaluate and disassociate with our bodies, and what we would want changed and what we would want moving forward to be different, to look different to feel different. And, and that is like, I can tell you, it helps nothing in my body, and it doesn’t help me love or connect with my body to push my stomach in with my hands. So it’s not really doing anything for me doesn’t mean that I don’t do it occasionally, but it’s not really doing anything for me, generally. And I can say like, in my own mindset, I will do that and be like, well, this is this is ridiculous, this isn’t gonna change anything, just because I push it in with my hands doesn’t mean that this belly is going anywhere. So that’s fine. But it is I think that it’s so important that to just get to, to know our own bodies and to associate with them. And like, even I mean, the smallest amounts of pleasure can be such a good thing, I have a friend. And I know he listens to this, and he’s gonna know I’m talking about him, he loves to have his head scratched, like nobody’s. And we’ve slept together a couple of times, just honestly, like, just as friends in like, you know, whatever. And, and we’re both now in like serious relationships with other people and all this other stuff. But like he just like, I thought when I got like, so I’ve been working on growing my nails out, I’ve met my nails my entire life, and my nails my entire life. And I finally don’t anymore, and a lot of that is because of COVID one, like stop putting your hands in your mouth, which was a big thing. But to I was finally like, Okay, I’m gonna pay somebody to do my nails. I’m gonna pay somebody to do this, whatever. And I just remember texting him, like the first time that my nails were like, legitimately long and I just sent him a photo of my hands. And I was like, how are these for hair scratchers? And he was like, he was like, That looks great. But it’s just it’s one of those things like there is there’s so much pleasure that isn’t sexual and there’s so much that we can learn about our bodies by being slow with them and not just rushing through every single day and even like, you know, we we understand pain points from certain things but why don’t we understand pleasure points from certain things like there’s there’s so much like, Okay, I don’t wear these shoes anymore because they are uncomfortable versus I do wear these pants because they are buttery soft on my skin and they make me feel fabulous. That’s a point of pleasure. Absolutely.
Ali Bravo
Absolutely. And you know once once you work through Carly’s self love journal, there’s another great journal called by me on Whitney and it’s all about daily like sensuality like noticing like practices that are just this are just incredible. You know, and Just while you’re talking where I was like, especially with sensuality when it comes to like food and pleasure, where it’s like, for the longest time I would disassociate from food, because if I was president than I’d be shaming myself for eating a certain thing, right? Like or like nourishing myself. And so like, it has been such an, it’s still a daily practice to like, come back to being present with food and to actually like, taste what I’m eating and be really like, let you know, like, and be present and sensual with it. And I just, I think we are just so taught to disassociate and disconnect and like be going, going, going, going going. Right. And so it’s such, yeah, get a revolutionary act to sit and slow down and you know, feel the wind on your face and the sun on your skin and
Ali Bravo
the sun on my skin. That is my favorite I we get like, Great morning sun on my deck. And I just like sit out there most mornings, either with my phone and I do work out there or I sit up there with a cup of coffee. And just like, just to feel the sunshine. I’m like, This is so amazing. Like, it’s such a even if I’m working even if I whatever, it’s still just like associating that with like, This feels good. This feels nice. This feels right, this feels everything like it is so good. Okay, my last question for you. I’m actually really curious. So and I actually I want this to be a two part question. So what is advice that you would give your younger self and I want to know this, like in and maybe they’re connected? So this might be a one part question I might be off, what would you tell your younger self, and I want to know this both from like, in the ways of being present in your body and your body itself, and also in your own body journey, but also in pleasure and sex and being able to like, so that might be a one part question, but both sides
Ali Bravo
just came just came to me. Okay, I’m ready for that is little alley, you’re a sick little fucking freak. Weirdo. And that’s amazing. And okay, and so beautiful. And there’s gonna come a time when you are celebrated for that. And then I think the other one is, yeah, that that Hey, little alley, your pleasure matters. Yeah, and the other the just the insight I had about pleasure just a moment ago is like that, like, every spiritual tradition across the board talks about the power of the present moment, and like how, like, where that’s where the that’s where the magic is, right? And like, when we are fully embodied in our pleasure, we are present in the moment. And so in that way, like, pleasure is the path to enlightenment. Yes, and that doesn’t mean that I you know, like, I think that discomfort is an incredible teacher and is so so important. And it’s a Yeah, it’s a yes, and pleasure. Pleasure can be incredibly uncomfortable. Yes. Sexy way.
Ali Bravo
Yeah. Okay. Yes, I think and I think, yes. Yes to everything you just said. I love it. I love it all. So incredibly much, Ali, I have to thank you so much for being incredibly vulnerable. credibly vulnerable. I love it. I love. I love that you just shared everything. You were just speaking about impostor syndrome earlier, and like, cannot detect a trace here. I’m celebrating you, I’m celebrating you for that. And I’m thankful for you for that. And just I am incredibly grateful for your vulnerability because I know that while this is a conversation that you and I could have had at any point, because we are quite open with one another. But I think that having this conversation for others to hear is a point of vulnerability. And I think that there are a lot of people who are going to learn a lot of things from you. So in this and moving forward, I know you’re such an incredible teacher and the way that you’re moving forward in the world is so wonderful. So I appreciate you I love you. I’m so incredibly happy that I got to have you on the podcast and maybe maybe in the future we need to have an entire podcast episode about the nervous system so lets you nerd out in a complete different direction. myelinated
Ali Bravo
nerve pathways.
Ali Bravo
Yes. Okay, and then my last question for you Alia, which I already know the answer to. But I would love to know if there is any other ones. Instagram social media, where people can find you and can connect with you both in like this both obviously rap lyrics, but then anything else that you want to share? Totally,
Ali Bravo
totally. So my website for my bondage gear is rap tricks.com And I’m gonna give listeners of this one I’d cast 15% off, partly and then my Instagram for the bundle scares at rap tricks. And then just in general is at raptor Bravo. And then for love parties.com and you can sign up for our email list there. We’re still we’re revamping the website because we’re we’ve changed a lot of things. But that’s a good place to just to get on our email list. Yeah, that’s where you can
Ali Bravo
find wonderful. Ally. I appreciate you. Thank you so much for coming on
Ali Bravo
much. I’m so grateful for all the magic that you’re doing in the world. And you’re such a such a fellow Trailblazer. And I deeply appreciate you and I just love like the magic of collaboration and
Carly Someplace
thanks so much for listening to some place for everybody. If you love this episode, would you mind leaving me a review in your favorite podcast app and subscribe to the show. If you’re looking for a community to love on you and support you and your self love Journey, come join our all gender Facebook group someplace for everybody which can be found in the show notes at someplace for everybody.com Until we meet again, be kind to yourself.
